Connection--Essential in Love

How accessible is your partner? Can you get his/her attention easily? Do you have dreams of being unable to get anyone to hear you? I once had a ten year old boy in counseling who drew a picture of himself in a house that was on fire. He was yelling for his mother. His picture of his mother showed her talking on the telephone. He told me, "She is always on the telephone and can't hear me."

To feel loved you need to know your partner is accessible. He/she will be there for you when you need him/her. You don't feel lonely or shut out in the relationship. You can share your deepest feelings with your partner. You can disagree without risk of being shut out and your partner will be open to find a way to compromise or accept disagreement. Your partner does not walk away or pick up a newspaper when you talk about feelings. Connection is essential to love.

How about you? Do you make yourself accessible to your partner? Do you honor his/her preference for what time to talk? Do you listen carefully to what he/she has to say or are you thinking about what you want to say while he/she is talking? Listen to your partner the way you want your partner to listen to you. Listening skills make connection possible.

Kona Coast Resort

Located on the magnificent Keauhou Bay south of Kona, Kona Coast Resort has attracted guests for many years. In 1993 a friend had reserved his timeshare there for his son's honeymoon. When his son cancelled his wedding, our friend offered the week to us. Enchanted by the island, we bought a one-bedroom timeshare on alternate years.

At first, we spent every day exploring the smorgasbord of differences found on the island. Our first year there, we flew in a biplane over the waterfalls along the east coast and into the still active Kilauea Volcano and west over the small village buried in lava. Cars in front of houses mired in lava looked like they only needed to be dug out. From white and also black sand beaches to lush valleys and tropical forests the Big Island has a little bit of everything plus a lot of lava.

As we grow older, our Kona Coast week has been our place to relax and let go of tension. We eat breakfast on our balcony overlooking the golf course. We share our cheerios with the birds who become less timid as the week progresses. We sit by the ocean and read our books at the nearby Sheraton Hotel waiting for Happy Hour when food and drinks are more affordable.

On our last day we took our books and went to the Sheraton at 3:30 to listen to the sea, feel its cool breeze, smell the fresh sea smell and watch the day come to a close. We had had another great week--a ranch hoedown, new friends, a beautiful dinner by the sea on the North Coast, taking in the excitement of the Iron Man race. We felt centered and ready to face the challenges waiting when we got home.

Hawaii--The Island of Love

Ah....Hawaii where love comes naturally. Hawaiians love easily and well. We have just returned from a week at our timeshare at Kona on the big island of Hawaii. Even the maintenance and housekeeping people at our timeshare wave, smile and say "Aloha" to visitors. Tourists are not always highly regarded in other parts of the world! I can't remember any other place where I feel so welcome everywhere we go.

One day we drove up the north coast of the Big Island stopping at the spectacular hotels along the way. At the Fairmont Orchid Hotel I was looking for a rest room as one of the employees walked by. I asked where it was. She laughed and said, "Look. You're standing right by it." She seemed happy to see me as if I were a long missed aunt or grandmother. She began to tell me a story about her own family. She told it so well she could have qualified for the Story Telling circuit at the Nevada County Old Schoolhouse. She seemed to enjoy the telling, laughing often. By the time she turned and went back to work I felt like I had known her for years and could give her a hug.

No wonder honeymooners and long-time lovers, like us, come here to celebrate love.

Provide Safety for Love to Grow

People base reality on their own thoughts and perceptions. We cannot change the world or another person. We can change how we see the world and another person. For love to grow, you must provide safety to the person you love.

Good self-talk can help you let go of judgment. Here are examples from my book, "Becoming Soul Mates--How to Create the Relationship You Always Dreamed Of".

• People behave in ways that make sense to them.
• My partner and I are different--gender, personality, background, values, perceptions, fears, etc.
• We are together to learn from each other. What can I learn from this?
• I don't have to be right to feel okay.
• I am free to decide to see my partner and what he/she does or says with love rather than fear.
• I am responsible for my own happiness.
• Many things are not wrong or right. They are just different. We can agree to disagree.
• I choose to move from reactive to healing dialogue.

Understanding Love--Key to Good Relationships

Couples impact each other at a neuro-psychological level. They do an emotional dance with each other. I believe the underlying cause of disconnection comes from expectations that there has to be a right and wrong. If I am feeling unloved and unimportant to my mate, it must be his fault. Then I ask in an accusing tone, "Do you love me?"

When he feels blamed, he becomes defensive, "Of course, I do. What's the matter with you?" It goes downhill from there. People don't understand love, emotions, needs. They don't understand how they trigger primal fear in each other. Everyone needs to examine themselves. How do you protect yourself in relationships? Do you withdraw, freeze up, avoid, building resentment? Do you pursue, yell, blame?

Be willing to tune in, open up, share fears and needs. Be aware of your own early experiences with attachments. Avoid blame and take responsibility for your part in this dance. Stay accessible. Forgive if necessary. Provide safety to each other. Touch. Comfort. Reassure. Be patient, kind, non-judgmental. This is the key to love and feeling loved.

Love Creates Love

Sometimes families come for counseling because children's sibling rivalry has become a problem. One way I illustrate the nature of love is to darken the room and give each parent a lighted candle. Then from oldest to youngest each child is given a candle to light from the parents' candles.
The lesson, of course, is that just as the light increases as more candles are lit, love increases as each child joins the family. Love grows. You cannot use it up. The more you love, the more love you have to give.

In my book, "How to Get Kids to Help at Home," the last chapter is about teaching values. Here are a couple of paragraphs from that book:

One Sunday school teacher taught a lesson on forgiveness. "Forgiveness," said one youngster, "is when you leave your dad's saw out in the rain, and he says it was rusty anyway." "Or," said another, "when you spill a brand new carton of milk all over the kitchen floor, and your mom says accidents will happen."

The New Testament describes love as "patient, kind, envies no one, is never boastful nor conceited, nor rude, never selfish, not quick to take offense. Love keeps no score of wrongs, does not gloat over others' mistakes." Children learn how to love from parents who love each other and then their family. Loving families bring their light to the world.

More About Love and Sex

In last week's post I quoted Aldous Huxley who said, "You learn to love by loving." Today I want to expand on that. In his book, "The Little Prince" Antoine de Saint Exupery gives his readers a beautiful illustration of how love develops. The story is about a little prince who comes to the earth from another world and meets a fox in the desert. The point of the story is he couldn't care about the fox until he tamed him and spent time with him. The fox's secret was, "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Perhaps soul mate relationships elude some couples because they pick partners with their eyes and not with their hearts. They may be unconsciously looking for sex partners so the looking never stops Some one else looks better the next month or year. They "fall in and out of love" regularly. I do not believe people actually "fall in and out of love". People choose to love and they choose to no longer love. It is a matter of seeing with the heart, not with the eyes.

If couples marry only because of looks and sex, their relationship is always at risk. No wonder people in such relationships fear aging and can't enjoy and grow through the best decades of their lives. There is no hope of becoming soul mates if the only connection is great sex.