Surprised by Joy

Joy at a daughter's wedding

Joy comes in many forms: feeling free of addiction after months of failed attempts to break the chains, welcoming a dearly loved family member back after a long absence, skin touching skin with a loving spouse, having a purpose, seeing a new grandchild for the first time. In marriage, joy comes off and on, deepening with passing years as each partner learns to let go of fear and a need to change the other.

Greet each day in wonder. Expectations blind us from seeing the beauty of each other. What can I learn today about the amazing complexity of who I am and who my lover is? This is a lifetime challenge.

I have recently finished reading C.S. Lewis's book Surprised by Joy for the second time. I read it the first time many years ago. Interestingly, what I got out of it this time was different. Joy does not come from seeking it. It comes as a surprise when we are able to finally discover the dimension of the spiritual part of ourselves. Letting go of expectations and opening up to beautiful differences between my self and those around me. Soul mates cannot find joy if they lose their own identity. It comes when we recognize and affirm the beauty in each other without comparison, expectations, and fear.


For more: get Elva's book: "Becoming Soul Mates". Order it from Amazon or at http://family1stbooks.com

Who Did You Choose to Love?

Do you really know that person who sits across the dinner table day after day? Expectations make us blind to the gift of the person with whom we have chosen to spend our lives. There is no way life is supposed to be. There is only life.

As years go by, I realize some of my husband's wonderful strengths become lost because I am so focused on what he should do or be. I am reinforcing his own focus on his weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and strengths. If we focus on the strengths we have twice as many as we have alone. Often each of us has the strengths that are our partner's weaknesses. Wow!  If we focus on each other's strengths we have twice as many as we had alone.

Focus on the gift your partner is rather than the one you thought you wanted. Recognize the unimaginable challenge and opportunity to become more and more mature in faith, in love, and in joy. Embrace that opportunity to grow by accepting and learning from each other. Understand that relationship is the therapeutic process that can lead to satisfying maturity.


For more help order "BECOMING SOUL MATES" by Elva Anson at Amazon or http://www.family1stbooks.com .

MOVE the CONVERSATION ALONG POSITIVELY

by

 

Guest blogger

 

Elizabeth Stitt

 

 Joyful Parenting Coaching

 www.elisabethstitt.com

 

 

TIP 3: Using "yes, and" to Move the Conversation Along Positively

 

 

In the world of Improvisational Acting, one of the rules is to keep the action moving forward, so not blocking a person's story is key to success. Improv actors do this by saying in response to whatever their partner says. "Yes, (that's true! you're right!) and ....."

 

 

Listen to how a couple might use this technique to build a warm connection between them:

 

Bob: I want to go to Hawaii so we can hang out under an umbrella.

Barbara: Yes, and we can drink pina coladas with little umbrellas in them. Those are so festive!

Bob: Yes, and I read a review of a restaurant right by the water that has festive colored lights.

Barbara: Yes, and I could try the Mahi Mahi fish and we could walk on the beach after dinner.

Bob: That sounds nice. I love the sound of the waves.

 

Suppose that Barbara doesn't really want to go to Hawaii. She knows how expensive it is and is worried that such a trip will badly eat into their savings. Going to Hawaii just to make Bob happy does not serve the family in the long run. Barbara is likely to get tense and tight lipped about every expense on the trip thereby ruining Bob's pleasure. The family might need that money later. This is where the variation of "yes and" comes unto play.

 

By using "Yes and" Barbara has allowed herself to imagine what she might enjoy about Hawaii and has built up a lot of warm feeling between her and Bob. Now it is time to introduce her concerns. Let's see how this goes:

 

Barbara: I love the waves, too, and AT THE SAME TIME I am worried that Hawaii will be too expensive.

Bob: Yes, that's true, and AT THE SAME TIME, we saved by not going away at Christmas.

Babara: I'm glad we put some money away, and AT THE SAME TIME I would like to avoid the cost of a long plane flight.

Bob: Yeah, I checked prices and it will be peak season, and AT THE SAME TIME I get so much benefit from being near the water. It is worth it to me.

 

Bob and Barbara are getting close to moving into the brainstorming phase to find a win-win solution. Notice that now when Barbara brings up the issue of cost, Bob slips in that he has considered cost.  He already checked the price of tickets, so it is not that he is insensitive to their budget. His last statement also reveals how it is being near the water that provides so much benefit to him. This would be a great place for them to begin to generate alternate ideas that meet Bob's need to relax near the water and Barbara's need to not go over budget. Tahoe? Santa Cruz? Lake Shasta? It is easy to imagine that this warm, lively conversation will continue to move along toward a solution that works for them both. They will end up with a good plan, but more importantly, the process of coming up with that plan will leave them feeling more loving and connected. Talk about WIN! WIN!

 

 



ACTIVE LISTENING

by

Guest bolgger Elisabeth Stitt

 

Joyful Parenting Coaching

 

www.elisabethstitt.com

 

 

 

ACTIVE LISTENING--Tip One

 

Active listening, a difficult skill to learn, gives the talker an opportunity to be heard without judgment. The listener gets not just the facts, but also the speaker's feelings.

 

Here's how to do it

 

*     Listen: Don't comment, disagree or evaluate

 

*     Use your body: Eye contact, head nods, brief comments like "yes" or "uh-huh"

 

*     Prompt information: "Tell me more."  "What else?"

 

*     Repeat back: Recap the gist said and guess at emotions

 

 

Practice first with topics that are not controversial. For example, you might ask your partner about a happy childhood memory or a person he admires. Your main purpose is to open up space in the relationship. By listening to your partner's feelings and motivation first you activate your own empathy and secondly you gather a lot of information about what is important to your partner. This provides useful data when you are looking for solutions that will work for both of you. It feels good to be heard. Chances are, you felt listened to early in your relationship.

 

Once you have mastered active listening with noncontroversial topics, try a more touchy topic like "What is a lesson you would really like our kids to learn?" This can be scary. Your parner might say something that really throws you for a loop like "I'd really like the kids to learn to hang glide." Your comfort levels might go into high alert. What?! What kind of a parent lets his kids go up into the sky attached to a giant kite?! If you can take a deep breath and settle down into some active listening, you may learn something really interesting. Perhaps your partner did it as a young man. It was the most alive he has ever felt and he wants the kids to experience that intense feeling of being alive. Perhaps he felt closer to God. Perhaps he was terrified and he wants his kids to face their fears. Listening to your partner share such a meaningful experience would change how you feel about what he wants for the children. You would be in a better position to negotiate something you can both live with.

 

 

For more on relationship skills ; talking and listening  scan back to March12, 2014 (Own Your Feelings)  ;  Nov. 19, 2013 (Good Listeners are Hard to Find) ;   Nov. ll,2013 (Listening is Active Not Passive)

 

 

 



When Parents Disagree about Parenting

Learn How to Co-Parent

 

by

 

Guest blogger Elisabeth Stitt

www.elisabethstitt.com

 

 

Do you love your spouse but find it hard to parent together? You are not alone. Because we care about parenting it is hard to be reasonable when it comes to our kids. When our parenting partner has a different idea about what is appropriate, yes, it is hard. Very few people are good listeners. Learning skills to resolve this problem can lead to better relationship between parents and children.

 

 

Tomorrow I will introduce you to a skill that will make you one of those few. It will help you learn more about your spouse and it will open communication with your children.

 

 

 

(from Elva--these posts were written by Elisabeth for my parenting blog. The skills work in communication between partners as well.)

 



Parenting Changes Your Marriage

In listening to the other fourteen parenting experts on the Parenting Summit during the past three weeks, what struck me was the powerful advice given by the experts who are mothers themselves. All of them described the impact of the birth of that first child.

The surprising feeling of helplessness, loneliness, crushing responsibility, complete entrapment and the guilt for those feelings kept us looking ahead with some anxiety. Feeling such feelings just added to the hopelessness, because we tried to hide the fear and show only the joy.Every mother who shared on this program wanted children and loved the baby, but somehow the complexity and power of the conflicting feelings came as a shock. The birth of the baby changed our lives forever.

Women handle this huge change in different ways. The women in the Summit were women open to learning. Most of them had jobs teaching, counseling, writing or in some way significantly connected to parenting or with children. Some of the experts shared clinical information. I am sure that was helpful to some listeners. Some were young and some were old like me.

More and more the clinical information makes me smile because reading books like most of us did before becoming parents didn't prevent the panic. Help! How do I do this and what if I make a mistake! An awesome responsibility which can lead to putting the marriage and yourself on hold. That never works in relationship.

I plan to share some valuable follow-up in the next few weeks. You can still access the free summit for the next few days by going to http://www.elisabethstitt.com/purposeful-parenting-summit. Once you have registered you will get an email with Day l, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4 and so on. Click on the icon. My interview is on Day 4. Interviews are 30 minutes. The information is excellent and all it takes is a little of your time. 

Becoming Soul Mates and Great Parents, Too

Purposeful Parenting: Expert Advice

Parenting Coach, Elisabeth Stitt, has put together a free online event called, "Purposeful Parenting: Expert Advice on Creating Your Own Family Plan". She has invited me to participate as an expert speaker along with 14 other professionals in fields like nutrition, financial literacy, emotional resiliency, talking to kids, how to stay grounded as a parent, and relationship skills. I am thrilled to be a part of it

To get your free access go to http://www.elisabethstitt.com/purposeful-parenting-summit. Once you register, starting July 6, 2015, there will be a new audio interview released every day. It's that easy! Audio recordings can be accessed by phone, computer, in your car, ipad, or even during your workout. Curious about who will be speaking along side me? Go to http://www.elisabethstitt.com/new-page-l/ and check it out.

Again, the only way to get access to all this free awesome advice (and my interview with Elisabeth) is sign up here: http://www.elisabethstitt.com/purposeful-parenting-summit/.

Let me know if you get something out of my interview "Becoming Soul Mates and Great Parents, Too" It airs on Wed. July 8th. Soul Mate relationship faces many challenges after that first baby arrives. I would love to hear your stories.

Relationship and Burned Toast



Wesley Turnipseed on Facebook 

 

 

Several years ago I wrote a blog about burned toast and relationship. When I saw Wesley Turnipseed's piece, I thought it was worth adding to my soul mate tips. Enjoy.

 

 

One night that stands out in my mind is when my mother had made dinner for us after a long hard day at work. She placed a plate of jam and extremely burned toast in front of my dad. Not slightly burnt but completely blackened toast.

 

I was waiting to see if anyone noticed the burnt toast and would say anything. Dad just ate the toast and asked me if I did my homework and how my day was. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my mom apologizing to Dad for burning the toast. I will never forget what he said.

 

"Sweetie, I love burned toast."

 

Later that night I went to my dad to tell him good-night and ask if he really liked his toast burned. He put his arm on my shoulder and said,

 

Your momma put in a very long day at work today and she was very tired. And besides. A burnt toast never hurts anyone, but you know what does? Harsh words! He continued, "Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything. I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like every other human. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults and choosing to celebrate each other's differences is one of the most important keys for creating a healthy, growing and lasting relationship. Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat you right and have compassion for the ones who don't."

 

Enjoy life now!





Sex and Intimacy

Nine out of ten men believe intimacy means sex. Interestingly, when women complain about lack of intimacy, men don't understand what they want. For intimacy to occur, there must be interest, respect, warmth, acceptance and trust. It involves understanding, talking, and listening. It requires an awareness of being loved and feeling loving.

The dictionary definition of intimacy: "intrinsic, innermost...marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity, marked by warm friendship, suggesting informal warmth or privacy, of a very personal private nature." Is it any wonder relationship is difficult for everyone? The huge differences in perceptions of what love is and how to show it, lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and the often spoken comment, "If you really loved me, you would........" We can't even agree on what intimacy is.

The challenge to those looking for a soul mate relationship is to accept the fact you must learn from your partner. That means spending time together sharing your stories, beliefs, and perceptions. What are your dreams, passions and concerns? You can open my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" at almost any two pages and find something to talk about. Little by little you will create the intimacy that leads to becoming soul mates.

Becoming Soul Mates--A New Year's Goal

How to Become Soul Mates

Even the most reclusive person cannot escape relationships. Start with you. Think back to the first, second, and third years of your life. Even if you don't have conscious memories of those years, you can probably reconstruct some of the things you do know into some kind of idea of what your first relationships must have been like.

Did you have both parents? Do you even know who both parents are? Where did you live? Farm? City? Country? What was your dwelling place? House? Apartment? Street? Were you wanted? Planned? Were you welcomed by one person or many people? What kind of caregivers were a part of your infancy? Do you have siblings? What position are you in your family? What happened to you during the first three years of your life has everything to do with this therapeutic process we call relationship.

Responding to care or lack of care not only affects early learning to talk, walk, and react. It also affects the development of perceptions about ourselves and others. Most of us form distorted perceptions of ourselves and others from the beginning. Identifying and sorting out early perceptions becomes a lifetime task in relationship.

Throw away generalizations and ideals, expectations, and comparisons. See your self as an individual, different from everyone else. In acceptance of that difference, we give the gift of intimacy. That is the foundation for learning to be soul mates.

How Would Your Mate Rate You as a Lover?

celebrating our 58th anniversary in 2013

Does Your Lover Feel Loved?

A Good Lover:
         has  the ability: to laugh, play, comment

         skills: of listening, hearing, understanding

         likes: touching, hugging, kissing

         notices, compliments, admires

How often do you tell your special person, "I love you"? If that is something you feel but never think to say, make it a prioity to remember to say it every day. Eventually, it becmes natural to say it when you get up in the morning and when you go to bed at night. You cannot say it too often. Touching, hugging, kissing come naturally when you love and feel loved.

Talking and listening skills are a part of noticeing and caring. Very few people have good listening skills so many people feel misunderstood and not heard. When your lover believes you understand him/her, she/he feel loved.

Noticeing, complimenting, and admiring are like the icing on the cake. When a woman proudly shares with her friends something special her mate has done, he feels ten feet tall. When he shows his admiration of her in front of friends, she feels adored.

The best place to start is to say, "I love you," not once but many times. If you don't feel loved, let your mate know how good it feels when he/she tells you. Touch him and smile when you respond, "I love you, too."

Blaming--Defending Prevent Conflict Resolution

Blame and defending will never lead to resolution of conflicts. People on the defensive take in very little information. We grow up learning to deny and defend. Common parental messages begin with the words, "you need to" ; "you didn't" ; "you should have". We grow up learning to deny and defend.

I have one brother and while we were growing up he constantly got in trouble. As a result he got blamed for things he didn't do. Denial became his first response whether guilty or not. I was the good girl and never lied.

I had a book, "The Little Red Hen" which I loved. One day I had a safety pin in my hand while reading the book. I scratched the letters of the title on the cover. A few days later my mother, who taught us to always take good care of our things, noticed the artistic enhancement on my book.

"Who scratched this book?" she asked in a tone that scared me. "Did you, Elva?" "No," I answered immediately, instantly terrified that I would go to Hell for lying. My mother turned toward my brother. He answered with an emphatic, "no!" She continued, "Don't lie, Edward." "I didn't do it," he repeated. To my horror he got spanked for lying. I was doomed to six months of terrible guilt and fear. When I could stand it no longer, I tearfully confessed.

You can understand why my brother grew up skilled at being defensive. One of the first skills learned in communication is "do not blame, do not defend". Thus, the rule, use  "I" instead of "you". When you own the problem it becomes much easier for your partner to listen and not defend. He/she may not completely trust you, but inch by inch you learn it is worth taking a chance.

It may be unrealistic to use this incident as an example, but let's go there. My Mom might have said, "I have a problem with books being damaged and I am wondering how this book got scratched." I think I could have had the courage to tell my mother I didn't mean to damage the book. I just wasn't thinking." She never would have spanked me, and I would have prevented weeks of sleepless nights and nightmares about going to Hell. The lesson here is you will be far more likely to solve a conflict if you start with "I have a problem with......."

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Lessons from a Dream

One night I had a dream. Everett and I fell off a cliff on to a remote snow covered peak with precarious footing. We were terrified we were going to die. Sure enough, the snow broke off again hurtling us through the air. We yelled goodby to each other. This is it!

We landed softly in snow, surprised to be alive. We carefully worked our way down the mountain. As we came around a bend we met three people climbing in the other direction. One wore a forest ranger uniform. They listened nonchalantly to our story. Clearly, they didn't believe us, but we figured if they could get up this far, we could get down the rest of the way.

Lesson from the dream: We can learn from other people even if they refuse to learn from us.

If you want to become soul mates, stay open to learning!

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When You Burn the Toast

Being Supported Feels Good

Suppose you wake up in the morning and discover your alarm has not gone off. Your children are still in bed, and there is a lot to be done. You feel tense and hurried. While you are fixing breakfast, you see smoke curling out of the toaster. Your husband walks into the kitchen and says, "Now you have burned the toast! Can't you ever do anything right?" How would you react?

Image the same situation. This time when your husband walks into the kitchen he says, "If you set the timer on two instead of three, this wouldn't happen. Let me show you how you should have done it." How would you react?

Visualize the scene again. This time your husband comes in and says, "Oh, Honey, what a frustrating morning for you! First the alarm and now the toast. You must be wondering what next!" Being supported feels good.

from "How to Get Kids to Help at Home", page 22, 23

Is Your Partner Always Late?

Acceptance Without Judgment

If your gal/guy is never ready on time or often arrives late and you live by the clock, patience becomes an illusive virtue. If you add children, nearly every time your family finally gets in the car, someone is yelling and others are crying.

The prompt person sincerely believes being late is inconsiderate and inexcusable. He/she may feel trapped and unable to follow his principles. The person who is always late has never accepted the notion that to succeed in life we must be governed by the clock. Spontaneity produces fun, excitement and the joy of living. What happens to acceptance without judgment? Differences between mates can become a challenge in the therapeutic process of becoming soul mates.

Differences in managing money, rates near the top for causing problems in marriages. Differences in how partners manage time may be just as troublesome. Clinging to the belief that your way is the right way will only increase the frustration and block your progress to maturity and connection. Avoid judgment. Focus on the problem. How can you live with these differences and still enjoy each other?

Everett and I both tend to be punctual. When our children were born, everything changed. Everett has many virtues, but patience isn't one of them. By the time we were in the car on our way to church on Sunday morning, the children and I were crying and Everett was frustrated and angry that we were late.

This problem needed fixing. At a time when we felt mellow we talked. We listed our needs and came up with ideas to try. The biggest thing we learned, focus on the behavior not on the person. Calm ourselves before addressing each other or the children. Resist the need to yell or use the words, "you always" or "you never." Everett worked on patience. He sat down with the newspaper instead of pacing and yelling. Believe it or not, we managed to be a little more prompt and we didn't have to wipe our tears when we arrived.

Primary Communication Skill

Own Your Feelings

I grew up with the message "you shouldn't feel that way." Don't be angry, sad, disappointed, moody, unhappy. Be nice or God and people won't like you. Smile, smile, smile. My father who was a kind loving man would never admit being angry. He raised his voice in what he called "righteous indignation" over politics, bad driving, and people being treated unfairly,

To avoid "not talking back" I would try to leave the room. My Dad would say, "Get that look off your face. Don't leave this room. I want to see a smile." Have you ever tried to smile when you were very angry? It feels like you will explode.

It has taken years for me to learn to identify, accept, and own my feelings, the first step to managing those feelings. Ask yourself what is going on for me? What am I feeling? Why am I so angry, sad, scared, annoyed, embarrassed? For good communication you must identify and own the feeling. Then you can tell your partner, "I am angry." Don't say, "You make me so angry!" Don't try to explain why you are angry until you can figure it out. Then go back to your partner and talk without blame.

Respect each other's feelings. Emotions are a part of each person's private self. No one has the power to manufacture emotions. When you ask someone to give up ownership of his personal internal experiences, he can only pretend or repress. No relationship can become a soul mate relationship if one of the partners cannot accept the other without needing him/her to change.

The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages

People often ask my husband and me how long we have been married. The answer, 58 years, usually brings another question, "What is your secret?" Harvard-educated social researcher and best-selling author Shaunti Feldhahn has spent the last three years interviewing and surveying 1000 couples to get an answer to that question.

What Feldhahn found was surprisingly simple. She shares the five top things a woman wants from her man and the five top things a man wants from his woman. No one can change another person but simple easily learned ways to make your mate feel loved can go a long way toward creating a successful marriage. Everett and I can relate to many of the common areas of conflict Ms. Feldhahn addresses in her book.

Small actions carry surprising power. Focusing on the positive changes everything. When you believe the best about someone you are more likely to get the best. Keep score in a positive way. "You have worked hard all day. I will clean up the kitchen." At this stage in our own marriage we are more likely to try to get the other one to do less so we can do more.

When it comes to anger, we have found it is important to own our anger and tell our partner, "I am angry." Don't try to resolve it while you are angry. Spend time asking yourself, "why am I making myself angry about this?" Avoid blame. Cool down and then report to your mate what is going on with you.

There is much more and if you truly want to know the answer to the question, "what is the secret to happy marriage", you will find some surprising answers in this book. Relationship truly is the therapeutic process leading to maturity and a satisfying happy life.

Identify Trigger Words and Actions

What Are Your Trigger Words?

Some trigger words are easier to identify than others. Common trigger words: "you always, you never, you should, you need to, I love you, but", cause problems in all relationships. The same words or actions can mean different things to different people. Pay attention to words and actions that instantly cause a reaction.

Trigger Actions

Action triggers lead to wonder and confusion. "What did I do to get such a negative reaction?" My husband and I had an issue over property rights. It took years for us to identify this source of conflict and begin to work on resolving it. Some trigger actions that resulted in an intense reaction from me: using my computer, comb, scissors, pencils, pens, and other personal items without asking permission; assuming everything I buy and own belonged to everyone in the family.

One weekend Everett and I went to a marriage retreat. The leader asked couples to write down something they didn't like about their partner. Everett wrote, "She is possessive." I was surprised because I am generous. It didn't take long to understand our conflict was about property rights.
I grew up in a family who believed in authoritarian parenting. My parents micro-managed my behavior and emotions. They were loving generous people who believed strongly in property rights. If you wanted to enter my bedroom, you were expected to knock. If you wanted to use my pencil, you needed to ask me to use it. So property rights became a huge part of my sense of self.

Everett is the next to the youngest of seven children. His parents had few rules. He signed his own report cards and controlled his own life. He never had a bedroom of his own. He slept with two older sisters, had no drawer or space of his own. He had no concept of property rights. During our first week of marriage I brought home a salad I hadn't finished eating at a restaurant. When I looked for my salad the next day, it was gone. I asked Everett, "What happened to my salad? He said, "I ate it." I said, "You ate it? You didn't ask me!" He looked puzzled. I didn't care if he ate it, but it was my salad. It took us years to identify the cause of this kind of conflict.

Look for the words and actions that trigger conflict. Then avoid them, clarify them and eventually get rid of them. I must admit this one still comes up sometimes. It helps to laugh at it when you understand it and good will abounds.

Satir's Fifth Freedom

The Freedom to Take Risks in One's Own Behalf, Instead of Choosing to be Only "Secure" and Not Rocking the Boat.

According to Satir, congruence comes from being emotionally honest which is necessary for making contact. That means taking risks. Taking risks is doing something you have never done before or doing the same thing in a new way. For growth we must all be willing to change. A wise thinker coined the phrase, no gain without pain.

Change creates anxiety. Welcome anxiety as an invitation to learn and grow. You handle it by giving yourself encouragement and affirmations:

• "My anxiety tells me I am choosing to risk. I can manage it."
• "What do I need to learn from taking this risk?"
• "What can I do differently to make this situation better? Do I need to set boundaries? Do I need to risk? Where does my power lie?"
• "I am choosing to love. I am choosing to put down my shield. What an adventure!"

As you learn to take responsibility for your own anxiety, you open up to loving and being loved with no strings attached. A world renowned family therapist, author, lecturer and consultant, Virginia Satir's work, books, and posters had a profound influence on my life, books, counseling, teaching, and now on my blogs. Her five freedoms are at the heart of her wisdom.

The introduction to her little book, "Making Contact" begins with this. "I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, understand and to touch another person. When this is done I feel contact has been made."

Satir's 4th Freedom

The Freedom to Ask for What One Wants Instead of Always Waiting for Permission

My book, "Becoming Soul Mates--How to Create the Lifelong Relationship You Always Dreamed Of" begins with a chapter on intimacy. Many men do not know how to respond to their wife's or lover's complaints of lack of intimacy. Women, apparently, have difficulty asking for what they want.

I begin my book with: "A deeply frustrated man sat in my office and burst out, 'I don't know what she wants me to say. If I knew, I would say it.' One way or another many men express the same sentiment to their therapist in response to their wife's or lover's complaints of lack of intimacy."

Many times the lack of communication results from the speaker's believing she has been heard and understood when she hasn't. When asking for what one wants, be clear, specific, and check to see if what you asked for has been understood. Remember, men and women speak separate emotional languages. A conflict in language can easily turn into a conflict of needs. In many surveys nine out of ten women surveyed ranked intimacy highest in what they want from marriage. Men rarely rate intimacy first.

Shortly after my husband and I married, I would say, "Talk to me." He would answer with a smile, "Lie down and I will talk to you."

Satir ably describes the five freedoms necessary to make contact with others. In her book, "Making Contact" she also describes the four types of communicating that often go with people who have low opinions of themselves, who have not yet learned to live their five freedoms. She describes them as placating, blaming, super reasonable, and irrelevant. I highly recommend this book.