An Important Notice to My Readers

It was impossible to keep up with my blogs and get my book, "Wondering Around God" written within a reasonable time. I am nearing the finish of the book. There will still be the editing, getting the book published, and having it ready for readers.

I am looking forward to get back to my blogs. There are more than 300 of them. Check the listing. You can go back to any of them at any time. Sorry, I have had to be away.

I am eager to see how readers will respond to this story oh how faith began at birth and took many twists and turns before at the age of 85 it is still in process and will be until the day I actually see God face to face. Even that comment can cause pop up questions. Is "face to face" how it will be? You can see I am still wondering around God!

            AN EXCITING JOURNEY!

The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages

People often ask my husband and me how long we have been married. The answer, 58 years, usually brings another question, "What is your secret?" Harvard-educated social researcher and best-selling author Shaunti Feldhahn has spent the last three years interviewing and surveying 1000 couples to get an answer to that question.

What Feldhahn found was surprisingly simple. She shares the five top things a woman wants from her man and the five top things a man wants from his woman. No one can change another person but simple easily learned ways to make your mate feel loved can go a long way toward creating a successful marriage. Everett and I can relate to many of the common areas of conflict Ms. Feldhahn addresses in her book.

Small actions carry surprising power. Focusing on the positive changes everything. When you believe the best about someone you are more likely to get the best. Keep score in a positive way. "You have worked hard all day. I will clean up the kitchen." At this stage in our own marriage we are more likely to try to get the other one to do less so we can do more.

When it comes to anger, we have found it is important to own our anger and tell our partner, "I am angry." Don't try to resolve it while you are angry. Spend time asking yourself, "why am I making myself angry about this?" Avoid blame. Cool down and then report to your mate what is going on with you.

There is much more and if you truly want to know the answer to the question, "what is the secret to happy marriage", you will find some surprising answers in this book. Relationship truly is the therapeutic process leading to maturity and a satisfying happy life.

Valentine's Day Gift

Don't forget. Valentine's Day is just 15 days away. A perfect gift would be a book about love you can share together, maybe two pages at a time. The Search for Intimacy, the title of the first chapter of Becoming Soul Mates defines intimacy, tells you what keeps people apart, identifies barriers, challenges you to risk, and then describes the rich rewards as your relationship evolves into a soul mate relationship. Click on our website to find more information.

If not this book, here are more excellent relationship books. The Marriage Garden by H. Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall; All-in-One Marriage Prep compiled by Susanne M. Alexander; The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.; Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G. Jampolsky,M.D.; Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson; What About Me by Dr. Jane Greer; To Understand Each Other by Dr. Paul Tournier. Reading a book together, two pages at a time can help you create valuable talking and listening skills as well as learning more about each other.

More Dating Wisdom

The subtitle in Dr. Kenneth Ryan's book, "Finding Your Prince In a Sea of Toads" is "How to Find a Quality Guy Without Getting Your Heart Shredded." The book offers 86 short chapters full of wisdom for people who are looking for satisfying life-long relationships.

An example is Chapter 31, "Men Are Microwaves, Women Are Crockpots". Dr. Ryan uses this analogy to explain the fundamental difference between men and women's sexuality. If men want to learn to be good lovers "they must learn to be slow subtle, and nuanced." There are many chapters giving excellent advice on the role of sex in relationship. Section Three of the book warns "Don't Sleep with Him--Why Not". Section Four: "Don't Sleep with Him--How Not".

Dr. Ryan offers important advice on relationship at a time when our culture has legitimized dating practices that are not likely to lead to satisfying life long soul mate relationships. It is especially helpful for young women who struggle with blending their values with their need for love.

Dr. Kenneth Ryan Gives Dating Advice

"Finding Your Prince In a Sea of Toads" struck me as a very clever title. Author of the book by that title, Dr. Kenneth Ryan, and his wife have been counseling engaged couples for years. He has written a book of advice for women on dating.

He focuses on the top five mistakes he believes women make. Here are his five top mistakes:
Don't be too passive.
Don't be too aggressive.
Don't be naive about men.
Don't panic.
Don't sleep with the boy friend.

"Dr. Ryan started writing for his three daughters--everything that they need to know about the truth of relationships and sex so they will be two steps ahead of any guy they might date," according to his publicist. Does anyone know everything they need to know about the truth of relationships and sex? We think we know, but a life time isn't long enough to really know. That's what makes relationships intriguing and challenging.

The Dance of Intimacy

One of the books I read while we were at Tahoe was "The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. She says, "An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way."

Based on this definition I wonder how many people achieve intimacy. That is definitely our goal if we hope our relationships will evolve into true soul mate status.

"Intimacy is not about that initial 'Velcro stage' of relationships," according to Dr. Lerner. "It is only in long-term relationships that we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both--without losing either when the going gets rough."

More from Dr. Jane Greer

I particularly liked Chapter 5 from Dr. Greer's book, "What About Me?" The title, "Loving Me Without Losing Us" deals with the age old question, how can I be who I am and still be connected to you? The second chapter of my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" is titled, "Begin with You". It is fundamental to good relationships. If there is no you, there is no relationship.

Dr. Greer addresses her comments on what she calls "SelfNess" to martyrs and givers. She says martyrs and givers find their self esteem by meeting the needs of their significant others. "Their sense of self depends on what and how they give and do for their partners." She gives illustrations and help for what's behind this distorted perception and how you can work on putting higher priority on your own needs.

Intimacy seldom comes to people who don't respect their own needs and set boundaries. We must be able to be who we are and stay emotionally connected to the other person who thinks, feels and believes differently without needing to change, convince, or fix him/her.

Dr. Jane Greer--"What About Me?"

What a wealth of good books on relationship wait for anyone needing help. Today I will be writing about Dr. Jane Greer's new book, "What About Me?" Dr. Greer says there are two primary areas of selfishness--sexual and emotional. She divides the selfishness scale into four categories--martyr, giver, taker, controller. She describes martyrs as completely selfless with the dominant emotion: fear. Givers are somewhat selfless. Dominant emotion: guilt. Takers expect to be given to and taken care of. Dominant emotion: disappointment. Controllers are completely selfish. Dominant emotion: anger.

Dr. Greer's book includes a quiz the reader can take to determine where on the continuum you fall. Part one of the book describes the role selfishness plays in relationships. Part two gives advice on how to move from me to we in healthy ways. Look for more about Dr. Greer's book on this blog soon.

The Six Stages of Relationship

In her book, "Building a Reality-Based Relationship", Dr. Kovacs has done a good job classifying the six stages of marriage. Her list:
1. Honeymoon
2. Expectation
3. Power struggle
4. Seven-year itch
5. Reconciliation
6. Acceptance

Dr. Kovacs points out that these stages can be applied to any relationship. In my last blog I talked about the importance of accepting yourself as worthwhile, a unique individual with purpose, strengths, and weaknesses that make you who you are. To the degree each person in the relationship can come to terms with this individuation and accept and nurture it in the other the relationship becomes powerful and satisfying.

The question,"How can I be who I am and still be loved by you?" is basic to every stage of relationship. It is also what makes relationship the therapeutic process for us all.

"Building a Reality-Based Relationship"

"Building a Reality-Based Relationship" is the title of a book by long time marriage family therapist, Liberty Kovacs,PHD. Dr. Kovacs realized people must want to understand each other if they hope to have a successful marriage.

I highly recommend Dr. Kovacs' book which is crammed with short exercises to help you get to know each other. By the time you become adults you have formed perceptions about money, affection, sexuality, power, household chores, and much more. Where and how did you get those perceptions? What values do you have?

Relationship provides an opportunity to understand the journey to individuation and knowing ourselves and others. That makes the effort more appealing and worth hanging in there. You cannot become soul mates without it.

More from Susan Osborn

In her book, "The System Made Me Do It", Susan lists challenges that can also be applied to relationship:

.....Lead without being on top
.....Compete without doing others in
.....Learn as much as you can without getting in over your head
.....Be computer savvy without sacrificing face-to-face communication
.....Love both yourself and others
.....Respect life in all of its forms

I would add another challenge from our experience. Love God with your heart, your soul, and your mind. Getting priorities straight will make the rest much easier.

More Advice from Antebi's "Secrets"

The book, "The Real Secrets Women Only Whisper" has 11 chapters beginning with "Friends and Enemies" and ending with "Beauty and Aging." Antebi's chapter on marriage is excellent. I can't say the same for her chapter on sex. A warning, "Keep This Book Away from Men!" decorates the front cover.

Here is more of her sage advice:

"It's not the size of the house that will make you happy but the love in the home."

"If you sell your soul when you're young, you'll pay the price when you are old."

"Couples who go to pre-marital counseling are thirty percent less likely to be divorced than those who don't."

"If you act like a lady and look like a lady, you are more likely to be treated like a lady."

For a good read, ladies, check out this book. You will have a lot of laughs and learn at the same time.

Relationship Advice by Donna Estes Antebi

Author Donna Estes Antebi chose an intriguing title for her book, "The Real Secrets Women Only Whisper". The book contains gems like this:

"It continues to be a man's world in many ways. You need to know it, understand it, and find a way to make it work for you."

"It's not difficult to convince men to leave when the going gets rough, so don't push your limits."

"If you don't want to marry a bartender, then don't sleep with bartenders!"

"Sex has a way of disconnecting the brains from the hearts of even the most intelligent women."

"Don't live with a man unless you plan on marrying him. It's as simple as that."

Reading this book, like watching old movies, glaringly exposes the tremendous change in values that has occurred in my lifetime. Perhaps it has become increasingly difficult to develop soul mate relationships. For more about this interesting book check my next blog.

Gems from "Fighting for Your Marriage"

"Don't expect to be your beloved's soul mate before you've been there as your mate's soul unfolds--Soul mates evolve as lovers grow together and coauthor their own relationship story." This quote is from Howard Markman, one of the authors of "Fighting for Your Marriage."

This is another way of saying, you don't find a soul mate, you learn how to become one which is the premise of my book, "Becoming Soul Mates." The book, "Fighting for Your Marriage" also has easy-to-learn help for learning to become soul mates. Check it out at your local book store.

Being There for Your Partner

There is a chapter in "Fighting for Your Marriage" titled "Being There". The suggestions sound like common sense ways to support our partners, but often we overlook the obvious.

For example, when I see Everett struggling with something I might blurt out, "What's wrong?" His response, "Nothing." How much better to offer to talk. "Would you like to talk?" When you do that you listen supportively.

The book suggests:
Focus on your partner
Pay attention, do not multitask
Touch your partner while listening
Let your partner know you are listening
Do not interrupt
Make your partner feel understood

I would add that you can make him/her feel understood through reflective listening. Do not give your partner solutions or advice or tell him/her what went wrong. Trust him/her to work out solutions to his/her own problem. Support that. You will find more about how to do reflective listening in my book, "Becoming Soul Mates".

Fighting for Your Marriage

I recently received a new book called, "Fighting for Your Marriage". It is actually a revised updated edition of an old book titled, "Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce" by Markham, Stanley, and Blumberg. The size of the book, 428 pages, is a bit overwhelming, but the print is reader friendly. This updated version of the book addresses the significant changes marriage has gone through during the last decade.

My book, "Becoming Soul Mates" was published in 2003. Although the basic truths for making relationship work haven't changed, certainly the negative influence of technological communication and change in lifestyles make a revised approach to talking about it desirable. This book has done that.

I will share some thoughts from "Fighting for Your Marriage" in the days ahead. Look forward to that.

Wholeness of Each Person--Separation or Soul Mates?

Borrowing from Anne Lindbergh again, she describes wholeness. "With growth, it is true, comes differentiation and separation in the sense that the unity of the tree-trunk differentiates as it grows and spreads into limbs, branches and leaves.
But the tree is still one, and its different and separate parts contribute to one another.

I like this picture of the soul mate experience better than when two people at a wedding extinguish two candles after lighting one together. Unfortunately, it does not happen that quickly. It takes years for individuals to grow a tree whose branches enhance the tree that has just been planted. Strong branches make a strong tree.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh On Relationship

In her book, "Gift From the Sea", Anne Morrow Lindbergh reflects on the seasons of life and love. As the sea gives up its gifts of beautiful shells, so does her mind bring up its treasures. She uses shells as symbols to describe the stages of life as each woman grows toward wholeness and fulfillment.

Just as I do in my book,"Becoming Soul Mates", she stresses the importance of filling up, nurturing your own soul. She puts it this way: "I want to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out my obligations and activities as well as I can."

I would go even farther. I need to be at peace with God and the significance of life--to know that I am a once in history event and that at every stage of life I am becoming who God created me. Interestingly, the stage of life I am now living is in many ways the hardest. I am painfully conscious that my time is limited and so many goals remain. At the same time losses occur more rapidly, less energy, less hearing, poorer eyesight, friends dying. Growing old takes courage, but wisdom increases.

Another Frog to Prince Winner

Another winner of the Frog to Prince contest, Caroline from North Dakota, wrote: "I caught my man doing something right. Since being laid off work, my husband has picked up the task of house cleaning and caring for our three-year-old daughter. However, when he cleaned the kitchen he wouldn't wipe down the counters and stove nor sweep the floor. When I carefully brought it to his attention, he became upset. I let it go. A day or so later I came in from work and the dishwasher was loaded and the counters were wiped off.
The floor still had not been swept but I acted as though I didn't notice. I gave him a huge bear hug and kissed him deeply and thanked him for his hard work in the house that day. He stated that if washing a few dishes would get him that much attention what would cleaning the toilet get him. We laughed."

Notice what your children, spouse, or employee do right. Let them know you appreciate it, and you will get more, enjoy more, and feel better.

"Toad to Prince" Contest Winner

Experiences of women who took the "Toad to Prince" challenge by Dr. Noelle Nelson, author of "Your Man is Wonderful" are good soul mate tips. Today, with permission, I am sharing what first place winner Kelli from Alabama wrote:

"My main focus was to praise and appreciate my mate, and notice all the good things he does. On the first day, I met him when he drove in from work. I said the most ridiculous thing, 'You sure are good at parking that truck. I don't think you've ever driven on our grass.' I expected him to laugh and give me that 'you-gotta-be-kidding,' look. Instead, he beamed with pride. Later, we were putting away laundry and I looked at the stack of towels, all lop-sided and mismatched, that he had just put away. I said to him, 'Thanks for folding those towels so nicely. That was a big help! It was unlike me to say that; it even felt awkward just speaking those words. Again, expecting a sarcastic remark in return, I got a kiss and 'you're welcome, honey.'...OMG! Sweet! This (contest) has been the most eye-opening experience. I started out believing I was going to change this man's behavior. Instead, I learned that it was my changing behavior making the difference.