Relationship and Burned Toast



Wesley Turnipseed on Facebook 

 

 

Several years ago I wrote a blog about burned toast and relationship. When I saw Wesley Turnipseed's piece, I thought it was worth adding to my soul mate tips. Enjoy.

 

 

One night that stands out in my mind is when my mother had made dinner for us after a long hard day at work. She placed a plate of jam and extremely burned toast in front of my dad. Not slightly burnt but completely blackened toast.

 

I was waiting to see if anyone noticed the burnt toast and would say anything. Dad just ate the toast and asked me if I did my homework and how my day was. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my mom apologizing to Dad for burning the toast. I will never forget what he said.

 

"Sweetie, I love burned toast."

 

Later that night I went to my dad to tell him good-night and ask if he really liked his toast burned. He put his arm on my shoulder and said,

 

Your momma put in a very long day at work today and she was very tired. And besides. A burnt toast never hurts anyone, but you know what does? Harsh words! He continued, "Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything. I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like every other human. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults and choosing to celebrate each other's differences is one of the most important keys for creating a healthy, growing and lasting relationship. Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat you right and have compassion for the ones who don't."

 

Enjoy life now!





Why Marriage Matters

The July, 2009 issue of Time magazine published an essay by Caitlin Flanagan titled, "Why Marriage Matters." According to Ms. Flanagan, "marriage can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world--or it can be a matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children."

Ms. Flanagan reminds us in the past 40 years the American family has changed profoundly. She refers to Sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin in his book,"The Marriage Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today" who says the difference between contemporary American families and those of other nations is their combination of frequent marriage, frequent divorce and the high number of short-term cohabiting relationships which creates a coming and going of partners. This lack of commitment creates hardship and hurts children.

People today still hope to be married forever, to still be loved and cherished as we grow old. We want to achieve a soul mate relationship, but are we willing to do the work and make the sacrifice it takes? Those of us who have been together fifty plus years will tell you it is well worth the effort. Our family gets together because we delight in each other's company. We feel loved by each other and by our children and grandchildren. We are experiencing the payoff of years of sacrifice and hard work. Aging is without question the most difficult stage of life. Love of family gives us the strength to accept the losses. Family matters!

Foreplay Begins in the Morning and Lasts All Day

Wanting to make love begins when mates get up in the morning with a loving greeting to each other. They notice when their partner looks nice and say so. They treat each other with respect. When they are together there is physical contact: kisses, hugs, a pat on the back, holding hands, touch. They do nice things for each other: serve a cup of coffee, put gas in the car, put the car away. They share the workload. They make time to talk. They prioritize time with each other They go on getaways. They have family time and share parenting tasks. They support each other to their children, family, and friends. They know they have each other's back.

If you have this kind of foreplay, the chance of wanting to make love increases dramatically. Sex becomes the icing on the cake.

How Important Is Sex in Marriage?

Are You In a Sex Starved Marriage?

You have probably heard the joke about the guy whose wife wanted sex only once a year on their wedding anniversary. He decided to go to a sex education class. On the second day of the class, the teacher took a survey. "How many of you have sex every day? A few hands went up. How many twice a week? More hands were raised. Once a month? The teacher noticed one man who hadn't raised his hand. The teacher said, "Once a year?" The man excitedly waved his hand in the air. The teacher said, "You are happy about that?" The guy said, "Oh yeah! Tonight's the night!"

Sexual Intimacy Helps Keep Marriages Strong

Michele Weiner Davis hit a nerve when she wrote a book titled, "The Sex Starved Marriage." This book has been helpful to couples who didn't understand the role of sexual intimacy in keeping marriages strong. Dr. Davis writes, "It is estimated that one out of every three couples struggles with problems associated with low sexual desire. One study found that 20 per cent of married couples have sex fewer than ten times a year." In the next paragraph Dr Davis adds, "If you've been thinking that low sexual desire is 'only a woman's thing', think again. Many sex experts believe that low sexual desire in men is America's best kept secret."

Sexual Intimacy Helps Couples Stay Connected

Enjoying sex with your mate makes it easier to stay connected on every level. Disconnecting happens gradually. We live busy demanding lives. Life passes quickly. Take time to enjoy and get to know each other. Relationship is dynamic, always changing. Intimacy has to be nurtured and tended to. Sex is a good barometer to how you are doing. If you are not interested in sex, go for counseling. Read books like, "Sex Starved Marriage". Talk to each other. Focus on yourself. Share what is going on for you. Avoid blame and defense. Together you can learn how to make each other feel loved.

Love, Dying and Organ Transplants

What does relationship have to do with love, dying, and organ transplants? This powerful Facebook post from our daughter who is in the end stages of PSC, a liver duct disease, illustrates the importance of loving relationships at times of crisis. I shortened it a little:

Hello everyone! Enough cannot be said about the power of love and prayer! As many of you know, I'm not afraid to die. It's just that there's so much to live for. It's a very strange sensation to wake up where you didn't expect to be and be told that, instead of day 4, this was actually day 11....and then to see the faces of such dear loved ones that I don't see in that setting or don't even usually see that time of the year.

Many of you asked questions about being a living donor and several even made the phone call to UCSF. We, all my family and I, thought that I would probably be kept there until after I get a new liver but things are often not what we expect. I'm now in a new phase, however, that includes trying to recover from what just happened and, although not really possible, trying to minimize the risk of it happening again. I'm also not allowed to be left at home alone, which is especially hard to wrap my mind around. I was alone when I started vomiting blood and I managed to call 911.

A lot of you know I have had four people go through the donor evaluation process. I don't know what the final chapter to all this will be, but I do know that I'm becoming bonded to many heroes! It's quite an overwhelming feeling!

Please know my faith is strong as I hope yours is. Yet, I also know that community is an essential part of wholeness and survival. I don't know what I'd do without each of you! I pray that I will be allowed the privilege of giving back some day soon.

I love you all so much!
Janee'

                        Janee' skydives on her 50th birthday!

Valentine's Day the Day of Love

Today is Valentine's Day, but today our family is gathered around our dear daughter, Janee', who has been struggling for years with a liver duct disease called Primary Sclerosing Colingitis. She badly needs a liver. In this case living donors can give a part of their liver which in my mind is the ultimate gift of love. So far, we have had 5 loving people volunteer. For one reason or another none of them has worked out. In the meantime Janee' s disease progresses and we worry about running out of time.

Janee' s room in ICU is gathering valentines. I know she feels the love of so many friends and of her family. She remains upbeat and hopeful, but it is hard to deal with the pain. She stays in touch with what her body needs. If strength of will is the most important answer to cure, she will certainly get through this. She has hundreds of people praying for her.

When you take time to prioritize your family, you will have what Janee' has--a warm blanket of love wrapping you up in shared hope of healing and support. Soul mate relationships do not belong exclusively to couples. Soul mates come to important relationships when love is given high priority.

To Have Children or Not to Have Children

My children and granddaughter having fun.

Last week I was eating lunch with a couple of guys who also write. One of them talked about how glad he felt that his children had grown up and gone. The other one talked about how lucky he felt because he never had children.

I listened in wonder. Investing in relationship with my children has brought the greatest payoff of anything I have ever done. I have learned things I didn't know I didn't know.

Once a therapist with whom I worked sought my advice. "My wife and I are trying to decide whether to have another baby. You know we already have boy and a girl." I didn't hesitate to encourage him. My husband had said, "We have a boy and a girl. What else is there?" Then we had Carla and we can't imagine life without her. Next week we will celebrate the birth of our Christmas baby forty plus years ago--the best Christmas gift ever!

More Dating Wisdom

The subtitle in Dr. Kenneth Ryan's book, "Finding Your Prince In a Sea of Toads" is "How to Find a Quality Guy Without Getting Your Heart Shredded." The book offers 86 short chapters full of wisdom for people who are looking for satisfying life-long relationships.

An example is Chapter 31, "Men Are Microwaves, Women Are Crockpots". Dr. Ryan uses this analogy to explain the fundamental difference between men and women's sexuality. If men want to learn to be good lovers "they must learn to be slow subtle, and nuanced." There are many chapters giving excellent advice on the role of sex in relationship. Section Three of the book warns "Don't Sleep with Him--Why Not". Section Four: "Don't Sleep with Him--How Not".

Dr. Ryan offers important advice on relationship at a time when our culture has legitimized dating practices that are not likely to lead to satisfying life long soul mate relationships. It is especially helpful for young women who struggle with blending their values with their need for love.

Relationship Can Overcome Loneliness

I watched as the airplane circled and landed on a vast stretch of snow. A young man stepped out with his gear and stood alone watching the plane disappear. As I watched I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. It was the movie, "Never Cry Wolf".

The only other time I felt such an overwhelming sense of loneliness I watched my son standing alone on an airstrip as my plane took off. He was a couple of thousand miles from home and knew no one there. Relationships, wherever we are,can make the difference between feeling unbearably alone in vast space or feeling connected to others and the strength and beauty of the universe.

Relationship According to Morrie

For a reminder of the importance of setting stellar priorities in relationship, check out the movie,"Tuesdays with Morrie." The movie is based on Mitch Alborn's best-selling book.

The story is about Alborn's reconnecting with a beloved professor, Morrie Schwartz, who has been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. After seeing this upbeat story you will never forget the importance of prioritizing relationship. Morrie valued life and showed how to live it fully. A great story and a great lesson in relationship.

Who Do You Hang Out With?

You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. If you want a long-term soul mate relationship, choose your friends thoughtfully. I read a study today which said divorce goes up 75% if those around you are getting divorced.

It makes me wonder how influential are movies and other media we see? What causes a change in values? I watched my granddaughters play with their dolls this week. They were saying, "These two are sisters. This one is their step-father's daughter from his first wife so she is their step-sister. This one is their half-sister born after their mother married their step-father. My granddaughters are 9 and 11 years old. Their parents are not divorced, but they have friends in the neighborhood whose parents are. I have heard other children play divorce.

Is this a reflection on changed social values and expectations? Will children who play divorce realize that to reap the joy of long-term relationship means commitment and hard work? Will they fantasize soul mate relationships that will elude them?

Soul Mates Rate Top Priority

One day a friend said, "I envy you, Elva. It is obvious that Everett adores you. I feel loved, but I would like to be cherished." Women I counsel often express the same wish. One of their biggest disappointments in relationship is not feeling high priority and cherished by their lover.

When you first meet someone to whom you are attracted, the relationship can border on obsessive. You feel special and important. As the relationship deepens couples often lose that intense "in love" feeling. They may no longer prioritize the relationship. Perhaps children, work, or some other activity becomes top priority. Is that happening to you? Talk to each other and change your priorities if you hope to become soul mates.

Don't Choose A Lover Like You Would A Horse

Shortly after we married, when Everett felt loving one day he told me how much he loved me. He began listing all of the things I can do. Then, looking very pleased with himself, he said, "A man has to choose a wife just like he would choose a horse. You look in his mouth and see how good his teeth are."

Horrified, I wouldn't talk to him for the rest of the day. He couldn't understand why I reacted to his "compliment" that way. After 54 years of marriage we both laugh at his naivety. A woman wants to believe she is attractive to her lover. She doesn't feel special just because she is "nice" or "competent". She wants him to think she is beautiful, sexy, and desirable.

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

I know a guy who seems to do many of the things good lovers do when they are dating. He respects his date, is attentive and loving, focuses on her wishes and needs, notices what she likes and provides it. He even writes funky edgy poetry to her if he really likes her. He is one of those rare men who tries to do everything right.

He says, "I'm not sure women really want a "nice" guy. I think many women want a man who is a challenge, a man they can "tame". Sometimes I think women take advantage of a guy like me."

What do you think?

The Sexist Men Alive

People Magazine's "the sexist men alive" are not necessarily good lovers. We will begin talking about what makes you a lover. Some of the men on the list can offer some answers. Johnny Depp, this year's winner says he is happiest when he is with his family. The family is rarely apart. Simon Baker has a genuine smile and likes to laugh. Matthew McConaughey is kind, adventurious and lives his life with passion every day. Bradley Cooper manages to be manly while still being sensitive. He knows how to make others feel attractive.

This is a start. Are you a good lover? We will talk about what makes a good lover in future blogs. Check with friends on facebook, what do they think makes a good lover?

If You Have Never Cheated--Don't

Recently we saw a powerful 1936 movie titled "Dodsworth". It dramatically showed the pain and folly of infidelity, the subject we talked about a few weeks ago.

The simple soul mate tip is, if you have never cheated--don't! You would trade a few minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of pain. Even if your relationship survives, there will always be a scar and regret. Soul mates trust each other, a requirement for intimacy.
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Relationship Basics

After being exposed to many ways of learning to do relationship at the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference, I believe they all end up at the same place. How do I connect with, understand, and accept another person and still be who I am? It is the difficult dance between autonomy and connection.

I must learn to listen without defense, talk with honesty and clarity, be vulnerable when appropriate, minimize weaknesses (my own as well as others) and focus on strengths, and much more. No wonder relationship is difficult. It is a learning process well worth the effort. Life becomes much more enjoyable as we learn to relate well to others.

20-20 Focus on Infidelity

Recently 20-20 attempted to answer the question, "Why do people cheat on each other?" They said 60% of cheaters are men, 40% are women. Whatever the percentage, cheating destroys trust and without trust people cannot become soul mates.

Some people simply do not know how to love or let go of defenses sufficiently to create intimacy. Some women believe that being "in love" means a continuation of the high energy excitement and passion experienced when a relationship is new. Some men never mature beyond their adolescent fantasies of unknown women as sexual objects. It takes maturity to move beyond the adolescent fantasy to know, understand, and love a real woman.

When two people commit to learning to understand, love, and accept each other, they will experience a growing intimacy. Fear will become less and less. Trust and safety will overshadow fear.
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Who Is First in Your Life?

Who comes first in your mind and thoughts? Hopefully, your partner has the top spot. Do somethig nice for him/her every day. Stay interested in what he/she does or says. Worry more about whether you are being a good partner than whether your partner is being a good mate to you.

Be more patient and kind to the person who means the most to you. Stay open to listening. Try not to judge. Be open to learning more about why you each behave and believe the way you do. Accept your partner. Don't try to change him/her. Then enjoy each other every day.

Perfect Brides from Japan

At the Bamboo Restaurant in Hawii at the north tip of the Big Island an old picture of sixteen Japanese women lined up in two rows graced the wall at the head of our table. Under the picture was a plaque explaining how the women at ages 16 and 17 volunteered to come to Hawaii to marry the pineapple and sugar cane workmen. It described them as very brave.

It made me wish I could talk to them now to find out how those marriages turned out. I wonder if any of the couples became soul mates. Only one of them had a happy smiling face.

What do you think? I would be interested in seeing your comment.