Who Did You Choose to Love?

Do you really know that person who sits across the dinner table day after day? Expectations make us blind to the gift of the person with whom we have chosen to spend our lives. There is no way life is supposed to be. There is only life.

As years go by, I realize some of my husband's wonderful strengths become lost because I am so focused on what he should do or be. I am reinforcing his own focus on his weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and strengths. If we focus on the strengths we have twice as many as we have alone. Often each of us has the strengths that are our partner's weaknesses. Wow!  If we focus on each other's strengths we have twice as many as we had alone.

Focus on the gift your partner is rather than the one you thought you wanted. Recognize the unimaginable challenge and opportunity to become more and more mature in faith, in love, and in joy. Embrace that opportunity to grow by accepting and learning from each other. Understand that relationship is the therapeutic process that can lead to satisfying maturity.


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A Night at the Ritz

Our Christmas getaway now seems much like dreams of a childhood Santa Claus. How did we become overnight guests at the splendid Ritz Carlton Hotel on the shores of a blustery Pacific Ocean at the tiny town of Half Moon Bay? It started with Scott Angeletti, a creative tour director for Sports Leisure Travel. He had hosted trips to the Ritz Hotel at Lake Tahoe as well as tours along the coast to Monterey and Carmel. He wondered if it would be possible to create a two night-three day trip to the Bay Area and negotiate an affordable stay at the Ritz on one of those nights. He succeeded.

We signed up for the trip in May so we had half a year to look forward to it. It far exceeded our expectations. On Saturday Scott served box lunches on the bus. Our first stop was at Filoli Gardens mansion. For nine days in December nearly two thousand volunteers turn the ground floor of the mansion into an upscale Christmas store to raise money to keep the gardens open to the public.

After two hours of shopping we headed to the San Jose Fairmont Hotel located next to the Ceasar Chavez Park which had been turned into a delightful Christmas park with a couple of hundred decorated Christmas trees, rides for the children, scenes of elves and Santa Claus preparing for Christmas, an outdoor ice skating rink, carnival rides, food stations and vendors. Many families enjoyed the excitement and splendor. Lost in this two block wonderland was one nativity scene. I wondered how many of those children know why we celebrate Christmas.

Two blocks north of the Fairmont Hotel the grand Cathedral Basilica of St. Joseph hosted the debut Gaude choral group concert at 8 o'clock that night. Four men and four women made up the group. They sang old German songs written as far back as the fifteenth century. The excellent acoustics in the magnificent cathedral accented the perfect harmony of the singers. A great experience!

The following day we ate an amazing brunch at the Hayes Mansion, another place with a fascinating Bay area family story. Waiting for us that evening on the grand plaza by the sea was the lighting of the Christmas tree. Seats were set up in rows and the large fire pits were lit early. A local high school boys choir entertained with Christmas songs, no traditional carols. The MC announced the winners
of the gingerbread houses lining the hotel halls. Santa Claus rode down the hill by the ocean in a golf cart. With a couple of children from the audience he lit the Christmas tree. Christmas messages and pictures were projected onto the large hotel wall.

We arrived home Monday evening full of Christmas, but looking for a missing "Merry Christmas" after being saturated with "Happy Holidays" for three days. I wish my readers a Merry Christmas and of course Happy Holidays as well.

Back to the Sea

As we headed to the Northern California coast after our longest absence, I could feel any tension or anxious thoughts disappear into the misty cloudy fog that had our windshield wipers active after a long summer rest. "So which route shall we take?" I asked my husband. "You're driving. You decide."

 I decided to drive west through the middle of the old town of Petaluma divided by Hiwy 101. It was a cloudy moody day. The usually lush green farmland was so dry the cattle and sheep no longer looked like the pampered animals in television ads.

We met dozens of campers and cars pulling trailers leaving the coast. Not much traffic going west. A fork in the road pointing south to picturesque Pt. Reyes always tempts me to go that way. Sometimes I do, but on this day I hung tight to the steering wheel and turned north on Hiwy l through Tamales, best known as the place to turn toward popular Dillon Beach.

Ten miles north on Hiwy l we came to Bodega Bay where we had lunch at the Tides which has windows facing the Bay. A curtain of fog rose from the water blocking the view. The Tides is expensive so we had breakfast for the second time.

As we drove the familiar curves of this famous ocean highway I couldn't resist rolling down my window to let in the sounds, the smell, and the feel of the wonderful Pacific Ocean. On through Jenner, over the cliffs toward Ft. Ross, Salt Point, past Sea Ranch to Gualala and the Sea Cliff  Motel where we would spend two wonderful nights bathed in the wonder of this magical place.

California got its first really soaking rain after a long dry spell. The next morning the fog was gone. The sun turned the sky into a beautiful blue with white fluffy clouds. The ocean matched it with its own blue with white capped waves. We took a long walk beside this noisy beauty intoxicated by the stimulation of all of our senses. I love the ocean. For me it is the perfect getaway every time..

Lake Tahoe Timeshare GetAway

Little church in Genoa
 

Sunshine in October warmed our bodies and spirits as we relaxed at Tahoe Ridge last week. Travelers winding their way up Kingsbury Grade believe the Tower building at the Ridge is a fairy castle guarding the lush green Carson Valley seven thousand feet below. Relaxing in our seventh floor apartment makes it easy to let go of the pressure of appointments, deadlines, meetings, and assorted obligations of every day life.

We brought books and writing material. Everett read Matthew and Mark in the New Testament, something he had been wanting to do again. I read my mother's diaries from 1943 and 1944. I realized I had some revising to do on the memoir I am writing.

Glorious sunrises and sunsets entertained us. We had spectacular views from our bedroom, living room, and balcony. At night, lights turn the valley into a fairy land impossible to capture with our little camera. Car headlights turn into eyes of wild animals creeping up the seven mile grade. They disappear around the curves.

The highlight of the week came when our daughter, son-in-law, and two granddaughters joined us for the weekend. On Sunday morning we all went to a tiny church in Genoa at the base of the mountain range. We got the last row of empty seats. The pastor invited Emily and Kendra to ring the bell. The girls were enchanted. "It's just like the little house on the prairie," they said. We felt the warmth and love of the strangers who amazingly are our brothers and sisters.

 

Get-aways are good for relationship!

Thank You, Elisabeth Stitt

Thank you to Elisabeth Stitt for her series of posts on communication. If you enjoyed them, you might like to check out her other parenting blogs here:
 http://www.elisabethstitt.com/past-newsletters-and-other-musings/."

MOVE the CONVERSATION ALONG POSITIVELY

by

 

Guest blogger

 

Elizabeth Stitt

 

 Joyful Parenting Coaching

 www.elisabethstitt.com

 

 

TIP 3: Using "yes, and" to Move the Conversation Along Positively

 

 

In the world of Improvisational Acting, one of the rules is to keep the action moving forward, so not blocking a person's story is key to success. Improv actors do this by saying in response to whatever their partner says. "Yes, (that's true! you're right!) and ....."

 

 

Listen to how a couple might use this technique to build a warm connection between them:

 

Bob: I want to go to Hawaii so we can hang out under an umbrella.

Barbara: Yes, and we can drink pina coladas with little umbrellas in them. Those are so festive!

Bob: Yes, and I read a review of a restaurant right by the water that has festive colored lights.

Barbara: Yes, and I could try the Mahi Mahi fish and we could walk on the beach after dinner.

Bob: That sounds nice. I love the sound of the waves.

 

Suppose that Barbara doesn't really want to go to Hawaii. She knows how expensive it is and is worried that such a trip will badly eat into their savings. Going to Hawaii just to make Bob happy does not serve the family in the long run. Barbara is likely to get tense and tight lipped about every expense on the trip thereby ruining Bob's pleasure. The family might need that money later. This is where the variation of "yes and" comes unto play.

 

By using "Yes and" Barbara has allowed herself to imagine what she might enjoy about Hawaii and has built up a lot of warm feeling between her and Bob. Now it is time to introduce her concerns. Let's see how this goes:

 

Barbara: I love the waves, too, and AT THE SAME TIME I am worried that Hawaii will be too expensive.

Bob: Yes, that's true, and AT THE SAME TIME, we saved by not going away at Christmas.

Babara: I'm glad we put some money away, and AT THE SAME TIME I would like to avoid the cost of a long plane flight.

Bob: Yeah, I checked prices and it will be peak season, and AT THE SAME TIME I get so much benefit from being near the water. It is worth it to me.

 

Bob and Barbara are getting close to moving into the brainstorming phase to find a win-win solution. Notice that now when Barbara brings up the issue of cost, Bob slips in that he has considered cost.  He already checked the price of tickets, so it is not that he is insensitive to their budget. His last statement also reveals how it is being near the water that provides so much benefit to him. This would be a great place for them to begin to generate alternate ideas that meet Bob's need to relax near the water and Barbara's need to not go over budget. Tahoe? Santa Cruz? Lake Shasta? It is easy to imagine that this warm, lively conversation will continue to move along toward a solution that works for them both. They will end up with a good plan, but more importantly, the process of coming up with that plan will leave them feeling more loving and connected. Talk about WIN! WIN!

 

 



EXPRSSING EMOTIONS with I STATEMENTS

by

 

Guest blogger Elisabeth Stitt

 

Joyful Parenting Coaching

 

www.elisabethstitt.com

 

 

Expressing Emotions with I-Statements--Tip 2

 

Often times we make negative assumptions about what our partner is thinking or feeling without doing a reality check. Here's an example: Barbara is washing the dishes while Bob sits on the couch reading. As she furiously scrubs, she mght be seething thinking, "It's not fair that I'm working  and he's just sitting there relaxing." She might go on to tell herself, "he's okay letting me wash the dishes because I'm home all day and he thinks I don't do anthing all day." In reality, Bob might not be aware of her at all. He might just be enjoying his good book. Or he might have his own internal dialogue going. He might be thinking, "I am so stressed from work. I just need 30 minutes to veg out. I wish she'd stop doing the dishes and relax for a bit!" Fear of an argument can make it hard to reasonably ask our partner's motivations.

 

An I-Statement is a technique for introducing a difficult topic in a gentle way. Here is an I-Statement Barbara migt have used to express her negative emotions. Addressing Bob, she would say, "When you sit on the couch reading while I am doing dishes, I feel resentful because I am working and you have leisure time."

 

Let's look at each part. The I-Statement starts by identifying one concrete situation. It goes on to express a feeling (in this case resentment) and the underlying cause of the emotion (Barbara would like to be resting, too. but feels she cannot until the dishes are done). Notice what the I-Statement does not say. It is not used for broad general character defamations (like You're so inconsiderate!) and it does not go over past history (as in "You always let me do dishes and never help).

 

What should Bob's response be? this would be an excellent time for Active Listening.He might say something like "You are frustrated that you are doing dishes alone. It doesn't feel fair." By not defending himself Bob gives Barbara a chance to off load her emotions and tell her whole story. At the end of the Active Listening he might ask Barbara, "What would you like me to do?" On the other hand, let's say Bob gets defensive in response to Barbara's I-Statement and says something like, "You're always criticizung me."

 

Now it's Barbara's turn to do some Active Listening. Yes, this might seem counterintuitive: She has introduced her feelings gently with the intent of introducing a constructive conversation. Why is she the one then to open her heart to Bob's feelings and motivations? Because eventually it works. That is why. Do enough Active Listening and eventually Bob will be ready to hear Babara's concerns and even honor her requests.When enough good will has been built up --and Bob feels seen and heard and respected--then when Barbara says, "It would make a difference to me if you would help with the dishes," Bob is likely to jump up and grab a dishtowel.