Sex and Intimacy

Nine out of ten men believe intimacy means sex. Interestingly, when women complain about lack of intimacy, men don't understand what they want. For intimacy to occur, there must be interest, respect, warmth, acceptance and trust. It involves understanding, talking, and listening. It requires an awareness of being loved and feeling loving.

The dictionary definition of intimacy: "intrinsic, innermost...marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity, marked by warm friendship, suggesting informal warmth or privacy, of a very personal private nature." Is it any wonder relationship is difficult for everyone? The huge differences in perceptions of what love is and how to show it, lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and the often spoken comment, "If you really loved me, you would........" We can't even agree on what intimacy is.

The challenge to those looking for a soul mate relationship is to accept the fact you must learn from your partner. That means spending time together sharing your stories, beliefs, and perceptions. What are your dreams, passions and concerns? You can open my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" at almost any two pages and find something to talk about. Little by little you will create the intimacy that leads to becoming soul mates.

Becoming Soul Mates--A New Year's Goal

How to Become Soul Mates

Even the most reclusive person cannot escape relationships. Start with you. Think back to the first, second, and third years of your life. Even if you don't have conscious memories of those years, you can probably reconstruct some of the things you do know into some kind of idea of what your first relationships must have been like.

Did you have both parents? Do you even know who both parents are? Where did you live? Farm? City? Country? What was your dwelling place? House? Apartment? Street? Were you wanted? Planned? Were you welcomed by one person or many people? What kind of caregivers were a part of your infancy? Do you have siblings? What position are you in your family? What happened to you during the first three years of your life has everything to do with this therapeutic process we call relationship.

Responding to care or lack of care not only affects early learning to talk, walk, and react. It also affects the development of perceptions about ourselves and others. Most of us form distorted perceptions of ourselves and others from the beginning. Identifying and sorting out early perceptions becomes a lifetime task in relationship.

Throw away generalizations and ideals, expectations, and comparisons. See your self as an individual, different from everyone else. In acceptance of that difference, we give the gift of intimacy. That is the foundation for learning to be soul mates.

Getaway - Christmas in Victoria

Going to Victoria 

After my grandfather retired he and my grandmother took a trip to Canada. They enchanted me with stories about Victoria. At age 12, I was hooked. I started my "bucket list". Many decades later my husband and I jumped at the chance to join a December Sports Leisure trip to Victoria for four wonderful days

We joined a congenial group of 32 travelers plus the tour guide, Chris Galloway, a young man who travels extensively and takes excellent care of people who travel with him. Getting us through customs twice both ways made his job a little more challenging.

Chris had planned our trip well. We boarded a bus for Sidney where we had an excellent lunch. People who had the halibut fish and chips agreed it was the best fish and chips they had ever eaten. After lunch we had free time to explore Sidney, known as "Booktown" because of its many used book stores.

As we drove into Victoria, the blend of the old with the new fascinated me. The Bed and Bath, Wall Mart, Subway, Mac Donalds, Wendy's, and dozens of other ubiquitous businesses seemed out of place beside the grand old English looking buildings that dominated the center of the city. Our hotel, the Chateau Victoria stood 18 stories tall. The 18th floor housed a bar and restaurant with wonderful panoramic views of the city. On the day we arrived, a reception for our group at 4:45 was followed by a wonderful dinner an hour later. We got there early and had a chance to view the city through the floor to ceiling glass windows that encircled this spectacular restaurant. From our seats next to the windows we watched lights transform the city into a sparkling jewel framed by the sunset over the distant ocean.

High Tea at the Empress Hotel highlighted a trip full of wonderful experiences. Among them a self-guided visit to Craigdarroch Castle, Butchart Gardens lit up for Christmas, the Victoria Butterfly Garden, the Touch of Saltspring Christmas Arts and Crafts Fair, a two hour city tour narrated by our bus driver, David, who lives in Victoria. We had ample free time to explore on our own as well.
We got home with little time for Christmas card writing, tree and house decorating, and any other usual early December activities. Tradition is nice, but flexibility can bring great experiences such as Christmas in Victoria.

Cambria -Getaway by the Sea

 Sea Otter Inn

Excitement replaced the sadness of leaving Morrow Bay as we drove north on highway 1 toward the small seaside town of Cambria. I knew the Cambria Pines Lodge was headquarters for the Sandstone Properties. The Village Green Gardens in northern Oregon is one of their resorts. I featured it in my first Getaways booklet. I knew nothing about Cambria, a little town somewhat hidden on both sides of the highway along the coast.

                                                                                                              

 Cambria Pines Lodge



One of many scarecrows

We took the first exit and found ourselves winding around mountain curves with no town in sight. After some stops to ask for directions and u-turns to get back on track we arrived at Cambria Pines Lodge. To our surprise the lodge was surrounded by wonderful gardens much like the Village Green Gardens in Oregon. We met a delightful couple while exploring the gardens.

Scarecrows of all kinds guarded streets, houses, and businesses in the annual Cambria Scarecrow Festival. Obviously many creative people live in this interesting little town. Cambria also hosts two Sandstone Properties resorts. The lodge is nestled among pine trees on the east side of the highway. The other property, the Sea Otter Inn is north and west of the highway on the ocean. It is one of many interesting looking inns along Moonstone Beach Drive.

Across the street a wooden plank walking path attracts the guests and provides steps to the beaches, look-out points, and benches. I met interesting friendly people on the path. I watched an over-sized seal slowly climb a slippery wet rock and almost get washed off by big breaking waves.

The sun turned the sky blue and the ocean reflected the color of the sky. I wished I could take one of Cindy Sample's fun books and sit on a bench by the sea listening to the waves and inhaling the clean ocean air, but we could only spend one night at the Sea Otter Inn. I hoped we would return to Cambria some day when we could stay a week.

Masterpiece Hotel -- Morrow Bay Getaway

A Hotel with "IN-Room" Art

We needed an ocean "fix". We decided to go south this time. Ten years ago we participated in a city sponsored book sale in San Luis Obispo. We decided to return to Morrow Bay, a beautiful coastal town near San Luis Obispo where we stayed at a unique hotel called Masterpiece Hotel. Every room has at least five beautifully framed prints by famous artists. Our room displayed "Roseate Spoonbill" by John James Audubon; "Colors" by Kyosi; "Pinkie" by Sir Thomas Lawrence; "Poplars on a Hill" by Vincent Van Gogh and "Trees" painter unknown.

The first couple we met when checking in told us they were from Colorado. They said they come to the Masterpiece Hotel over and over because they like it so much. If we lived closer, we would probably do the same. Breakfast was served from 7:30 to 10:30 every morning. Wine, cheese and crackers from 5:00 to 7:00 in the evening. Guests can also use a spa and fitness center. Our room cost a reasonable $201.40 (including tax) for two nights.

Best of all, a short walk took us to the wharf where we ate a delicious lunch of sole piccata and of course, clam chowder at the Dockside restaurant. A road goes out to the town's famous Morrow Rock, home to peregrine falcons. We watched them near their nests on the side of the huge rock. A volunteer from a nearby college invited us to view them through his telescope. A couple of fishing boats struggled to get into the Bay through the wind blown waves of the ocean. A surfer used a kite to guide himself back and forth through big waves. Dogs and children played on the beach.

I highly recommend a Morrow Bay getaway. It helps to order sunshine so you can walk along the beach. Other choices include boat tours, wine tasting, quilting stores, art galleries, bird watching, missions, golf, hiking, bicycling, fishing or simply sitting on a bench watching the waves crash against the shore. Something for everybody!

Secrets of Long Term Love

Keith and Shirley Abbey-married 61 years
 

                                  by guest blogger Todd Creager   http://www.toddcreager.com

Long term love and I mean deep love, the kind of love where you feel that you would marry your spouse all over again after 10, 20, 30, 40 years of marriage does happen. There are couples that DO experience that kind of relationship. What are their secrets? I have learned from these couples, some people are clients, people I know in my personal life and even people I have read about in articles or seen on TV.

SECRET #1
Look for the best in your partner. I have heard many of these couples talk about the necessity to overlook each other's flaws; not to ignore them but at the same time not to focus on them. Definitely each partner kept in mind the good stuff, the positive attributes, and the things they enjoyed about their partner.

SECRET #2
Let them know how good they are. Not only did they look for and think about the best in their partner, they expressed it. They complimented their partners far more than they criticized them. It was easier to hear the negative feedback because they got plenty of positive feedback as well.

SECRET# 3
Be affectionate. They touched a lot and were affectionate with each other. As they got older, even if their sexual relationship changed somewhat, they never stopped touching. They adjusted to the aging process but kept the physical connection any way they could. They were not rigid when it came to approaches to touch and sexuality. They were able to talk openly about sex.

SECRET #4
Place a high value on the importance of the intimate relationship. They made relationship a high priority. They made time to be alone and intimate and enjoyed each other's company. They planned trips together and went on frequent dates. They often were different (as most couples are) but they found enough similarities of activities to do these things together.

SECRET #5
Tune in and be attentive and let your partner know you are there for him or her when needed. They were strong emotional supports in trying times. They would take turns being strong for each other during the occasional life tragedies and losses. They each felt a sense of deep caring for each other and trusted each other. Some of these couples had earlier times when the trust was disrupted but they learned how to heal and create trusting relationships. There was a sense that, "You are there for me."

These wise couples have reaped the benefits of these secrets to long term love. Now it is your turn.

Todd Creager at "Making the World Safe for Love"

Couples Married 50 Years or Longer Give Advice

Married 68 years

Secrets to a Long Marriage

Going directly to the experts, long time married couples, makes sense to researchers like sociology professor, Todd Migliaccio, California State University, Sacramento. He has interviewed and taped dozens of couples in long marriages including my husband and me. More than 100 couples contributed to "Married for Life", Honor Books by Bill Morelan, one of the sources I used. I have been sharing some of these experts' advice in my most recent blogs.

Interestingly, "spending time together" in one form or another was recommended more often than any other advice. A close second was commitment to the marriage. One person put it uniquely, "Never consider getting unmarried as an option."

Many other responses were repeated in different ways. These experts on love advised couples to  realize neither of you are perfect; practice cooperation, follow the Golden Rule, try to see each other's point of view, but agree to disagree sometimes. I tell my clients, "Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If you focus on the strengths you will have twice as many together, If you focus on the weaknesses, you will have twice as many weaknesses. Which you focus on will determine how strong a marriage you can create."

Becoming lifetime soul mates is a unique rewarding adventure. If you remember the story , "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams, you will remember the discussion between Rabbit and Skin Horse  about what is real. Rabbit asks if it happens all at once or bit by bit. Skin Horse tells Rabbit it doesn't happen all at once. It happens when you have been loved over a period of time, but "it doesn't happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept." In other words, you must learn how to let go of defenses.