Are We Compatible?

Resolve Differences

Compatible is defined as able to exist or act together harmoniously. What we do, not who we are! Concentrate on what joins you with another person, not on what separates you. Expect differences. Plan for ways to use your differences to expand your thinking and increase your choices. Use your differences to build strong workable partnerships with another person. Focus on your strengths, minimize your weaknesses.

Advocates/Friends, Not Enemies

Agree to disagree and always be in each others corner. Not blaming, but accepting and working toward understanding. The greatest obstacles to compatibility are Blame and Defend. Believing there is always a right and wrong, and of course, you are right and he/she is wrong. Let go of fears and defenses. Develop a healthy curiosity. What's going on for me now? What can I learn about you?

Some useful ground rules:

     NEVER COMPARE
     NEVER CONDEMN
     NEVER COMMAND
     NEVER CONDESCEND
     NEVER CONTRADICT
     NEVER CONFUSE   (stick with the issue)

Can Love Last?

GREAT NEWS!

Not only can love last, couples can learn to become soul mates. The love stories you read on my blog all show how couples have turned their love into soul mate relationships! Love supports the difficult therapeutic process of evolving soul mate relationships. Couples who love each other master the difficult process of learning to hang on to autonomy while being connected to someone who is very different from them.

Soul Mates Adore Each Other

One day I read a clipping about a couple who had been married many years. The clipping quoted them as saying, "When we met, we liked each other. After we had been together 20 years we loved each other. Now after 50 years we adore each other." I couldn't wait to find Everett. At the same time he was looking for me. We both had read the quote and happily agreed that that is the way it is. Now it has been 57 years and we adore each other. LOVE CAN LAST!

I would love to see your comments in response to the question, "Can love last?"

Ron and Mary Lou Jones--Married 66 Years

ELOPED IN 1946
Mary Lou and Ron met in their junior year at San Diego High School in 1943. After Ron's discharge from the Navy in June 1946 they eloped and married. They were 19 and 20 years old. "Our love story really began after 17 years of marriage," says Ron. "And after a BA for Mary Lou and DDS for me, 3 kids, golf gods, sailboats, sport cars, campers and Airstream trailer, and bigger and bigger homes."

In 1962 Mary Lou became involved in a Bible Study. While sitting at home listening to the Radio Bible Class in 1963 she invited Jesus to be her Lord. Later, Ron became a Christian, too. "That," says Ron, "started a love affair between Mary Lou and me as we grew in our understanding of the love of Christ that had been missing for the first 17 years of our marriage. That was 49 years ago, and Jesus and His love have surrounded and nurtured and protected us through many ups and downs as we have looked to Him increasingly every day for guidance in our lives."

More Wisdom from Virginia Satir

Soul Mates Make Contact

Virginia Satir in her book, "Making Contact" describes what soul mates do.

                   " I believe
                    the greatest gift
                    I can conceive of having
                    is
                    to be seen by them,
                    heard by them
                    and touched by them.

                    The greates gift
                    I can give
                    is
                    to see, hear, understand
                    and to touch
                    another person. 

                    When this is done
                     I feel
                     contact has been made."
                   

CHILDREN TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIP

From the Sacramento Relationship Skills Center:

l. How do you decide who to marry?
     "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chi;s and dip coming."------Alan, age 10
     "No person decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."-----Kristen, age 10

2. What is the right age to marry?
     "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.---Camille, age 10

3. How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
     "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."---Derrick, age 8

4. What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?
     "Both of them don't want to have any more kids."---Lori, age 8

5. What do most people do on a date?
     "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."---Lynette, age 8
     "On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."---Martin, age 10

6. When is it okay to kiss someone?
     "When they're rich."---Pam, age 7
     "The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."---Curt, age 7
     "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."---Howard, age 8

7. Is it better to be single or married?
     "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."---Anita, age 9

8. How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
     "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"---Kelvin, age 8

IS FALLING IN LOVE ENOUGH?

  COUPLES IN LOVE
 Some of life's most passionate love stories involve couples who ended up divorced. Among them are Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, Desi Arnez and Lucille Ball, Peter Facindle and Jennie Garth, and most recently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. What makes these stories different from couples like George and Laura Bush, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Monty and Julie Flanagan, Gene and Georgia Schroeder, John and Lois Bueno, and others on my blogs?

Learning How to Live with Another Person
"Chains do not hold marriage together," according to Simone Signoret. "It is threads, which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last more than passion or sex!" Counting on each other, feeling loved and loving, open to learning, and commitment to the marriage and each other all contribute to couples in love whose love evolves into soul mate relationship.

I agree with my soul mate, Everett, who says, "Three grand adventures to happiness are something to do, sommeone to love, and something to hope for." We have been doing that for more than 57 years and it just gets sweeter each year.

JOHN AND LOIS BUENO--51 years

Young Love

Lois and I went to El Salvador, by invitation of the church there, to be pastors of a fledging church that had just had some major difficulties. We left Southern California in a Ford Falcon and drove all the way to El Salvador--over 3000 miles through difficult roads and circumstances. Most of the details of that trip will have to wait for a different occasion.

A Little Love Can Conquer Mountains

What comes to mind as somewhat of a love story is Lois's response to a difficult challenge. Our little Ford Falcon didn't have much punch.  We had only been married six months, and we had all our earthly belongings in it. We headed for the mountains of Guatemala and found that the little Ford Falcon wouldn't make it up the hill. I looked at Lois and asked, "Do you want to push or do you want to drive?" Since it was a stick shift, she decided to push. She literally pushed us over the mountains in those places where the little Ford Falcon couldn't make it. And to be honest with you, she has been pushing ever since, and that was 51 years ago. Love can be expressed in many ways. One is pushing you over the mountain.