More from Dr. Jane Greer

I particularly liked Chapter 5 from Dr. Greer's book, "What About Me?" The title, "Loving Me Without Losing Us" deals with the age old question, how can I be who I am and still be connected to you? The second chapter of my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" is titled, "Begin with You". It is fundamental to good relationships. If there is no you, there is no relationship.

Dr. Greer addresses her comments on what she calls "SelfNess" to martyrs and givers. She says martyrs and givers find their self esteem by meeting the needs of their significant others. "Their sense of self depends on what and how they give and do for their partners." She gives illustrations and help for what's behind this distorted perception and how you can work on putting higher priority on your own needs.

Intimacy seldom comes to people who don't respect their own needs and set boundaries. We must be able to be who we are and stay emotionally connected to the other person who thinks, feels and believes differently without needing to change, convince, or fix him/her.

Valentine's Day the Lovers' Day to Celebrate

What are you and your special person planning for Valentine's Day? Look for special events like the "Authors' Signing Faire" at Westfield Galleria at Roseville. This event will feature authors with books about romance and love. I will be there with my book, "Becoming Soul Mates." Come and introduce yourself to me. This event is Saturday, February 12th. I am sharing a table with Pamela Johnson whose book is "Heart Pirate". It should be a lot of fun and what a great Valentine's gift for the one you love.

Whatever you do on Valentine's Day, take this opportunity to show someone you love them.

Dr. Jane Greer--"What About Me?"

What a wealth of good books on relationship wait for anyone needing help. Today I will be writing about Dr. Jane Greer's new book, "What About Me?" Dr. Greer says there are two primary areas of selfishness--sexual and emotional. She divides the selfishness scale into four categories--martyr, giver, taker, controller. She describes martyrs as completely selfless with the dominant emotion: fear. Givers are somewhat selfless. Dominant emotion: guilt. Takers expect to be given to and taken care of. Dominant emotion: disappointment. Controllers are completely selfish. Dominant emotion: anger.

Dr. Greer's book includes a quiz the reader can take to determine where on the continuum you fall. Part one of the book describes the role selfishness plays in relationships. Part two gives advice on how to move from me to we in healthy ways. Look for more about Dr. Greer's book on this blog soon.

Self Knowledge, Self Esteem in Relationship

Quite often marriages end because one partner reaches a point where he/she feels lost and says, "I need space to have an opportunity to find myself." This can be devastating. In all of the six stages of relationship Dr. Libby Kovaks describes in her book, you will struggle with understanding who you are. In the honeymoon stage you naturally feel enmeshed and separateness can feel frightening.

As you go on with life you find yourself challenged by new roles: mate, parent, son or daughter, boss, employee, student, teacher, speaker, leader, best friend, writer, athlete, expert, retiree. You get the idea. Who you are is dynamic, ever changing and sometimes confusing. Just when you think you know who you are, it no longer fits.

Then perhaps your parents age or die. Your children leave home and you feel lost and uncertain. What if you made wrong choices? Maybe you've missed out on something. All of the old resentments become persistent. You end your marriage or relationship in search of what you've missed or lost.

IS IT ANY WONDER SO FEW RELATIONSHIPS BECOME SOUL MATE RELATIONSHIPS?