Chasing Intimacy--How to Find It

Are you wistfully wishing for more intimacy with your special person? You cannot have intimacy without individuality. The closeness comes out of an open sharing of who you are. Known and being known with unconditional acceptance brings intimacy. If either of you pushes the other to be anything other than who you are, intimacy stays out of reach. Encouragement is helpful. Pushing for change or criticism is not.

The big struggle of identifying and knowing what makes us unique and different from each other may not feel like intimacy. Welcome conflict as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and the other person. Recognize your tendencies toward a judgmental attitude rather than an opportunity to learn.

You are two very different people engaged in learning the skill of focusing on each other's strengths. You also begin to recognize each other's driving spirit. You share fears, fantasies, moods, memories, longings, passions, hopes, and let-downs. This knowledge brings you to a new level of knowing and understanding and supporting love and growth.

Intimacy creates a powerful nurturing source to fuel the joy of relationship and the ability to manage our lives well. Love can do what money can't do. Love God. Love life. Love yourself and love each other. Welcome each day as a chance to learn to love more. If you and your mate can stay focused on strengths, intimacy will follow. By the time you have been together as long as we have, you will adore each other.

Satir's Second Freedom

The Freedom to Say What One Feels and Thinks

Virginia Satir, a wise woman, lists what she calls, The Five Freedoms in her book, "Making Contact". We often hear the word power used in a negative context. Essential to living life well we must understand the importance of personal power. Satir's five freedoms make personal power possible, because one relates from one's authentic self.

You may raise your eyebrows in disbelief when you read the second freedom, "the freedom to say what one feels and thinks instead of what one should." Knowing what you feel and think and accepting that allows you the freedom to respond appropriately and wisely when relating to others. Satir explains, "Making real contact means we make ourselves responsible for what comes out of us."

Own Your Own Feelings and Behavior

Owning our own feelings and behavior is prerequisite to change through all of Satir's work. It is essential for self-acceptance, growth and change. Giving our personal power away leads to living as victims, always reacting instead of acting. Some people live their lives always focused on what they don't have and believing good luck has made it possible for others to have happy relationships and marriage.

Good relationships and happiness don't come from good luck. They come from good choices and hard work by two people willing to learn and grow together. Living as a victim robs you of personal power and a happy relationship eludes you. Start where you are. Own your feelings, behavior and strengths. Then you can make contact from an authentic self.

Desire for Intimacy

Desire for Intimacy Depends on Different Levels of Differentiation

According to Dr. David Schnarch, expert on spirituality and sex, desire for intimacy depends on different levels of spirituality. He divides spirituality into two levels. Level one is childlike: a reflected sense of worth, other validated intimacy and desire out of emptiness. Level two is mature: internalized sense of worth, self-validated intimacy, and desire out of fullness.

It is a sophisticated way to say. "People who have more poker chips are willing to risk more." People who have childlike needs focus on themselves and what they need while people who have internalized their sense of worth are focusing on the joy of giving to another. They don't worry about losing what they have.

The joy in a mature relationship comes from being able to share with one's lover what comes from overflow in themselves. They do not fear closeness or of losing who they are. The closeness becomes the validation that increases their sense of self and the differentiation from any other person. Two people in relationship who have become mature evolve into the soul mate relationship most people look for.

Personal Disasters Can Distort Self Image

I love to sing. Growing up I sang solos and duets in my church. I also sang in my school choir. My Junior High music teacher decided to weed out some of the students who sang off pitch. About forty kids went through a rigid test singing alone. At the end of the song the teacher hit the last note of the song on the piano. If the singer didn't match that note he or she would be out.

I was first. Terrified and shaking as I reached the last note, I was flat. The teacher looked shocked, but he had to follow through. Because everyone had to sing the same song, most of the others memorized the last note and easily passed the test.

That experience, besides being very embarrassing, distorted my perception about my ability to sing. I avoided singing in choirs until we attended a small chapel in Germany. The choir leaders sang professionally in a nearby Opera House. They taught voice lessons during the first fifteen minutes of weekly choir practice. I learned how to breathe and sing from my lungs. Imagine my surprise when one week the choir director asked me to sing the solo part for the Sunday service.

I began to realize that my interpretation of my singing ability based on my early experience had been disastrous and crippling. I sang with my first graders when I taught school and I loved singing to my own children. Singing filled my life with joy.

What distorted perceptions of yourself are you hanging on to? Are they crippling you in your relationships? You can correct those faulty interpretations of your abilities and free yourself of perceived weaknesses. Your relationships will be much easier because you will be free to focus on other people's strengths and not on your own weaknesses.

Intimacy Begins with Self-Acceptance

Our pastors have begun a new series of sermons based on God's plan for your life. When I was young I had a lot of anxiety about "finding" God's plan for my life. When a young minister asked me to marry him, I agreed because I thought the reason I didn't want to marry him was because I didn't want to be a minister's wife and maybe that was God's plan for me. Fortunately, with my mother's support, I was able to end the engagement. I caused this young man unnecessary pain, but happily he found another woman who was a better fit for him.

I began to realize God's creation is perfect and glorifies Him just by being. Just look around at the beauty of the earth. The recent Rose Bowl Parade showed the splendor of thousands of flowers. Hundreds of varieties color the earth. They do nothing to get attention. They glorify the Creator of such beauty by being. God created each one of us unique. There is no one in the world like you. You are a once in history event.

When I began to understand that concept, my anxiety about finding God's plan for my life ended. I began to realize God's plan for my life is to accept who He created me, flaws and strengths and all. Then trust that whatever I choose to do He will empower me to be who I was created to be. That's how we glorify God and begin to experience the beauty of intimacy. It begins with the God of love, and flows from us to those around us.

People who accept themselves become free to accept another person. They understand that if I give up me, there will be no relationship. If there is no you, there is nobody to relate from not even to God. Self-acceptance is the first challenge to experience intimacy and learning to be soul mates.

Which Relationship Skills Do You Use?

Relationship skills may come more naturally to some people than to others. Hopefully, children born to loving parents and family learn those skills from family modeling and teaching. Learning continues throughout our lifetimes. We don't run out of challenges as we meet new people through all stages of life. People who do not have the advantage of loving families will struggle harder to make a transition from victim survival skills to positive power skills.

Which relationship skills do you have? Do you use survivor skills to get what you want in relationship? Do you relate from a victim identity--helpless, hurt, defensive, put upon, always right but never understood? Or do you relate from a healthy sense of self--open to learning, owning your actions and feelings, eager to understand more about yourself and others?

To have a soul mate relationship, you must learn to move from blame and having to be right to accepting yourself, differences in others, and an eagerness to listen and learn,. That takes time especially if your survival has depended on strong survival skills.

Deep satisfying love comes in all forms. You can have a "soul mate" relationship with God, mate, friends, but it isn't magic or a lucky discovery. You create it by learning respect, acceptance, and letting go of fear of intimacy.

I hope to share some stories of love of all kinds in coming blogs. Send me your stories and if they fit I will share them.

Autonomy versus Connection in Relationship

When women rate intimacy as their number one desire in a relationship, they intuitively know that it is the answer to their yearning for connection. Men feel the same separateness and need for connection, but they tend not to think about it. Some experts believe that men's drive is toward autonomy and women's drive is toward connection. I do not believe that. Everyone needs both autonomy and connection, but fear makes us believe we cannot have both.

To be able to be who we are in a relationship and allow the other person to do the same empowers, pleasures, affirms, excites and gives the ultimate joy of loving and feeling loved. This is absolutely essential to create a soul mate relationship.

This is taken from my book, "Becoming Soul Mates." To achieve this, begin with you. Explore what makes you afraid to open up to learning, curiosity, encouragement, support, fun, playfulness, freedom, creativity, discovery, and ultimately change. At first, you risk opening the door just a crack, but eventually you may learn to keep the door open longer, because love overcomes fear. The longer evolving relationships last, the more frequently they include times of intimacy.

Self Knowledge, Self Esteem in Relationship

Quite often marriages end because one partner reaches a point where he/she feels lost and says, "I need space to have an opportunity to find myself." This can be devastating. In all of the six stages of relationship Dr. Libby Kovaks describes in her book, you will struggle with understanding who you are. In the honeymoon stage you naturally feel enmeshed and separateness can feel frightening.

As you go on with life you find yourself challenged by new roles: mate, parent, son or daughter, boss, employee, student, teacher, speaker, leader, best friend, writer, athlete, expert, retiree. You get the idea. Who you are is dynamic, ever changing and sometimes confusing. Just when you think you know who you are, it no longer fits.

Then perhaps your parents age or die. Your children leave home and you feel lost and uncertain. What if you made wrong choices? Maybe you've missed out on something. All of the old resentments become persistent. You end your marriage or relationship in search of what you've missed or lost.

IS IT ANY WONDER SO FEW RELATIONSHIPS BECOME SOUL MATE RELATIONSHIPS?

Time for a Soul Mate Check-Up

On a scale of one to ten where do you fall today in soul mate behavior? How about hello's and good-by's? Time spent talking, hugging, kissing, cuddling? What is he/she wearing? Did you notice? Have you been bitchy or understanding? Negative or positive? Critical or encouraging? Have you found something to enjoy? How often have you laughed? Have you done something for yourself?

We all need a check-up once in awhile. Today is all you've got. Treasure each moment. If you are with the one you love, today is a good day. Thank God for it.

Virginia Satir's Five Freedoms

Virginia Satir, a wise therapist and author in the 1900's, talked about the five freedoms for personal power. Soul mates understand the value of these freedoms.

• "The freedom to see and hear what is here instead of what should be, was, or will be.


• The freedom to say what one feels and thinks, instead of what one should.


• The freedom to feel what one feels, instead of what one ought.


• The freedom to ask for what one wants, instead of always waiting for permission.


• The freedom to take risks in one's own behalf, instead of choosing to be only "secure" and not "rocking the boat."

This is just another way to describe allowing each other to be who you are--the greatest gift you can give.

Do You Hope to Hit a Marriage Jackpot?

What do you expect in relationship? Do you believe that a few lucky people have great relationships--fun, love, companionship, passion, fidelity, trust, and respect? Just like the lottery, the odds of hitting the jackkpot are very slim?

There may be some truth in the belief that many marriages never achieve the ultimate closeness of soul mates. It is also true that if you work on yourself and learn from every relationship you have, you can become the optimal partner. Because you are reading this blog, I know you are a learner and that your chance of creating a soul mate relationship is better than average. Take your time. Be smart. Respect yourself. Go for it!

Laugh Every Day

Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves for we will never cease to be amused. A great saying by an unknown author. Soul mates smile and laugh often. Another saying--life is too important to be taken seriously. I can't imagine any soul mate relationship without a sense of humor.

Laugh at yourself when you make silly mistakes. Laugh at the funny things children do and say. Joke with your co-workers, grocery store checkers, bank tellers and members of your family. Laugh at the antics of your pets. Laugh at the comics.

Fill your days with laughter and humor. Be careful not to joke at someone else's expense. Teasing and sarcasm are not humor. Usually they involve laughing at someone else.

Lighten up. Look for how funny we all can be. Enjoy the ridiculous sometimes. Enjoy your partner. People who laugh easily and often are easy to love. Someone once said, "You can't love someone with whom you don't laugh.

Talking, Feelings, Doing

In my office I have a therepeutic game for children called, "The Talking,Feeling, and Doing Game". What a great way to describe the relationship between soul mates. Talking and feeling heard and validated. Feeling and experiencing the security of being supported and understood. Doing and finding all kinds of activities that are fun because the two of you are engaged with each other. Score yourself on these three elements of satisfying relationship. Resist judging your partner. Remember, you can only change yourself.

Could You Take Advice from Dr. Phil?

Soul mates must be willing to listen and learn. When a couple comes into my office, it doesn't take long for me to figure out what has gone wrong and what each person must work on to make the relationship better. Unfortunately, I cannot lay it out in a confrontational way like Dr. Phil does. His clients have agreed to hear what he has to say. Basically, they cannot leave.

Here is what often happens when counselors in private practice confront their clients. They become very defensive and some of them will jump up and yell, "I won't stay here and listen to that. I'm out of here." Sometimes they come back but often they don't. They have come to the counselor to have him/her fix their partner. That never works!

If you want to become soul mates, each of you have to be open to working on yourself. If you drop your defenses and seek to understand, your chance of becoming soul mates soars.

Evaluate What You Bring to Relationship

Ask yourself. What do I bring to this relationship? Make two lists. One will list the positives: affection, sense of humor, enthusiasm, excitement, trust, responsibility, kindness, joy, cheerfulness, dependability, good manners, acceptance, openness to learning. The other will list the negatives: criticism, worry, irresponsibility, selfishness, disrespect, control, indifference, complaint, moodiness, aloofness, lack of affection, rudeness, jealousy.

Take a look at the two lists.......Be honest. Give yourself affirmation for the positives. Take them in and feel good about them. Then look at the negatives. Select one of them to work to improve.

YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO BECOMING A SOUL MATE!

Your Partner Is Not Your Project

If you keep trying to change your partner, give it up. The only person you can change is yourself. Never forget, intimacy seldom comes to people who demand change in their partner. If you want to have a soul mate relationship, begin with yourself. You are responsible for your own actions, feelings, and behavior.

If you work on you, and your partner works on him or her self, life becomes an adventure and your chance of becoming soul mates increases. GOOD LUCK!

Don't Expect What You Cannot Get

Two very different people decide to spend their lives together. Now they must agree on many things. They no longer can call all of the shots or be in charge of every decision. The big question: How can I be who I am and still be connected to you?

Sometimes one partner tries to be in charge. He/she pushes the other one to see things the way he/she sees them, because his/her way is the "right" way. Maybe the other person cannot change his position without losing self. Learn to negotiate and to seek to understand.

Use words like: Tell me more about the way you see it. I hear you saying........is that right? What are the feelings? Any more thoughts that I need to consider? How can we make a decision in which we can both get some of what we want?

Most things are not all right or all wrong. They fall somewhere in between. You do not want to change each other. You want to make your differences bring you a fuller richer life.

Where is Your Focus?

Everyone I know has an equal amount of strengths and weaknesses. How you live your life will depend on which you focus. If you focus on your weaknesses it gives them power and they can overwhelm and discourage you. If you focus on your strengths, you can lead a very productive life.

A couple who focuses on each other's strengths has twice as many strengths together. The weaknesses become less important. If they focus on each other's weaknesses they have twice as many weaknesses and it is hard enough to live with our own weaknesses. A couple with twice as many strengths is powerful and can live with confidence and joy.

Surviving the Little Things

A great day. I bought a new blue outfit and I felt like it looked good. I could hardly wait to have my husband see me in my new clothes. Getting noticed by your special person can become a challenge after more than 50 years together.

I finished dressing, took a last look in the mirror and felt excited as I walked down the stairs to where he stood waiting. He barely glanced at me and turned to go.

I stopped and said, "You didn't notice." He frowned. "What?" "Don't you like it?" He looked at me. "Oh. It's nice."

To say I felt let-down is an understatement. When we arrived at our destination three or four people told me how nice I looked. Sometimes you have to take affirmation wherever you can get it. You may even have to be willing to give it to yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff. He doesn't always have other things on his mind.

You Cannot Escape

Even the most reclusive person cannot escape relationships. The most important relationships will always be with yourself and with God. If there is no you, relationships become empty, scary, and defensive.

It's fun to think back to the first, second, and third years of your life. Even if you don't have conscious memories of those years, you can probably reconstruct some of the things you do know into some kind of idea of what your first relationships must have been like.

Did you have both parents? Do you even know who both parents are? Where did you live? Farm? City? Country? What was your dwelling place? House? Apartment? Street? Were you wanted? Planned? Were you welcomed by one person or many people? What kind of caregivers were a part of your infancy? What happened to you during the first three years of your life has everything to do with this therepeutic process we call relationship.

Responding to care or lack of care not only affects early learning to talk, walk, and react, it also affects the development of perceptions about ourselves and others. Most of us formed distorted perceptions of ourselves and others from the beginning. Identifying and sorting out early perceptions becomes a lifetime task in relationship.