New Survey Reaffirms Old Values / Dating at California State Fair

Couples searching for soul mate relationships rejoice! A new survey reaffirms old values for getting what you want in relationship. Most adults are monogamous. Lots of teenagers are having sex, but lots are also practicing abstinence. These findings and more came from interviews with 13,495 men and women in the latest round of the National Survey of Family Growth.

Talking to couples at the California State Fair made me realize people are "figuring it out." Niesha Lofing, Sacramento Bee family editor, started her column last week: "It was one of our best--and hottest--dates. Last year, my husband and I had a date night at the California State Fair."

She went on to recommend the State Fair as "a great place for a date, and not just for teenagers," She shared stories of other couples who have discovered the joy of date nights at the Fair. Her last story was about Dominic, 65, and Laura,61, who have never missed a fair in nearly 43 years of marriage. "We're still in love," Laura told Niesha. "We've got gray hairs and grandkids, but we still have our date night at the State Fair."

If you are working on a soul mate relationship, date nights pay off. Enjoying the State Fair could be one of your favorite dates.

Soul Mates at the State Fair

I spent a couple of eight hour time slots in the California Authors' booth at the State Fair last week. Many happy couples walking hand in hand stopped by to chat. I knew by the way they looked at and talked to each other that they were soul mates even before they told me.

Seeing my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" inspired some couples to share. "We have been married 25 years, 46 years, 32 years", always with a look at each other confirming a valued connection. Some of the couples claimed to have been soul mates from the beginning, but they all agreed it took work, commitment, and willingness to learn to keep the relationship evolving. One lady said sadly, "It's too bad so many couples give up too soon. I wish they knew how good it gets if you hang in there and learn to understand and accept each other."

One man said, "This is the second time around for both of us, but I think we've figured it out this time." The look they gave each other made me believe he is right.

Autonomy versus Connection in Relationship

When women rate intimacy as their number one desire in a relationship, they intuitively know that it is the answer to their yearning for connection. Men feel the same separateness and need for connection, but they tend not to think about it. Some experts believe that men's drive is toward autonomy and women's drive is toward connection. I do not believe that. Everyone needs both autonomy and connection, but fear makes us believe we cannot have both.

To be able to be who we are in a relationship and allow the other person to do the same empowers, pleasures, affirms, excites and gives the ultimate joy of loving and feeling loved. This is absolutely essential to create a soul mate relationship.

This is taken from my book, "Becoming Soul Mates." To achieve this, begin with you. Explore what makes you afraid to open up to learning, curiosity, encouragement, support, fun, playfulness, freedom, creativity, discovery, and ultimately change. At first, you risk opening the door just a crack, but eventually you may learn to keep the door open longer, because love overcomes fear. The longer evolving relationships last, the more frequently they include times of intimacy.

Celebrating Our 56th At Sea Ranch

You probably could not find a place better suited for getting to know your mate than Sea Ranch. Eight miles of walking trails beside the ocean, redwoods accessible across Highway l, sandy beaches, and rustic lodge rooms with ocean views provide the perfect setting for love making, sharing stories, and having fun.

We have celebrated many wedding anniversaries doing those things and more. We discovered Sea Ranch decades ago while on a camping trip to the California North Coast. We camped at Bodega Bay the first night, but it began to rain. The next day about an hour north we passed the Sea Ranch Lodge. On an impulse we decided to stop and find out what they charged to rent a room. In those days it was a little more affordable. We were hooked.

One year we visited Sea Ranch every month but two. There was no television, no telephones and the lighting was poor. We would sit and watch the sun set. We didn't turn on lights as we shared stories, thoughts, and dreams until the stars appeared and it was time for bed.

This year our anniversary was on a Thursday just as our wedding had been. Sea Ranch was the perfect place to celebrate. A half bottle of rose' brut was chilling in our room when we arrived. We didn't make it the two and a half miles to our favorite log beside the ocean, but we did walk to many favorite places.



The rythmic music of the waves welcomed us back. The yellows, reds, and oranges of the thousands of wild flowers invited us to record their beauty with our camera. The cool ocean breeze caressed us as it moderated the warmth of the sun. At this place, at this time, life is good as we celebrate being together for 56 years.