Talking and Listening

We learn to speak and to listen as children growing up in all kinds of separate worlds.

Differences abound even if we speak the same language. Thousands of books have been written about communication and still one of the most difficult tasks of soul mates is to understand each other. The goal is understanding. Agreement is not essential.

One of the biggest differences couples have to overcome is what Deborah Tanner, linguistic expert, calls "genderlects." It simply means men and women learn different ways of speaking and hearing. Remember that when you feel frustrated trying to talk or listen to your soul mate.

Talking and listening skills lead to understanding. Read my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" to find out more.

Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!

Celebrations give life and excitement to your relationship.

Soul mates celebrate anything and everything--anniversaries of a first date, engagement, wedding; holidays of all kinds; birthdays; the beginning and ending of seasons; and especially each other.

Guys, do you sometimes wonder why your special person can get excited about flowers or cards? Part of the reason is that women love to tell other women the great things their man has done for them. Her friends say, "Wow! You are lucky. I wish I had a guy like that." It makes her feel affirmed as someone who is truly loved and lucky as well. When she feels loved and loving, you benefit, of course.

Relationship Is a Noun

Someone asked why I use the word "relationship" instead of the word "relationships".

The dictionary lists the word relationship as a noun and defines it as "connection or connected to somebody". The ultimate relationship is marriage. Noted family therapist, Carl Whitaker, said, "The greatest ordeal in life is marriage. It is the central focus for enlightenment and the natural therapeutic process in the culture."

Becoming soul mates is something you must consciously learn to do.

It requires letting go of defenses and being willing to learn and grow. Couples who blame and defend simply cannot become soul mates. Fron the time we learn to walk and talk we defend ourselves to survive. Letting go can make you scared and vulnerable. It does not come naturally. That is what makes relationship difficult.

How Important Can Cards Be?

My husband grew up in a family where greeting cards were not exchanged. Birthdays were not a big deal. In my family on our birthdays, we were the King or Queen for the day. We didn't have much money, but attention doesn't cost anything and there were always cards purchased or hand made.

This difference was a source of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Everett said that cards were a rip off. I said cards were a great way to express love. One birthday Ev said, "Get in the car. I want to show you something." He took me to the card counter at a nearby store. He went straight to a certain card, picked it up and handed it to me. "There. That is the card I would give you if I bought cards.

Everett has learned that cost is not as important as the message your soul mate gets from you. He even gives me cards on Easter now. One year on my birthday he gave me two cards--one sweet and sentimental, the other one funny and sexy. I still have them both!

Let the Little Things Go

My husband has a tendency to leave drawers, doors and jam jars open. At first that irritated me and I asked him to please try to remember to close them. He tries to remember but I think he was born with the opening reflex and the closing reflex is missing. It still irritates me, but I realize it is not a conscious thing with him. On a scale of 1-10 in importance it is right at the bottom so I have learned to let it go. It's not that hard to close drawers myself. We even sometimes joke about it. I have to admit that sometimes I close things loudly.

When something Everett does or doesn't do irritates me, I ask myself two questions, "How important is it?" and "If I say something, will he do it differently?" Usually the answers are "not important" and "no". So I let it go. I also remind myself that I probably do a lot of little things that irritate him and he likes me anyway.

Where is Your Focus?

Everyone I know has an equal amount of strengths and weaknesses. How you live your life will depend on which you focus. If you focus on your weaknesses it gives them power and they can overwhelm and discourage you. If you focus on your strengths, you can lead a very productive life.

A couple who focuses on each other's strengths has twice as many strengths together. The weaknesses become less important. If they focus on each other's weaknesses they have twice as many weaknesses and it is hard enough to live with our own weaknesses. A couple with twice as many strengths is powerful and can live with confidence and joy.

What Did You Expect?

Most of us go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. What did you expect? Has it been better than you thought or have you felt let down?

You may have thought you could give your person the love they never got in childhood. That could lead to a big surprise. Then there are the practical questions. Who does what and who decides? Who decides what color to paint the house, what kind of car to buy, how we decorate, how we manage our money, do we have children and if so, how many? All of these questions and how both of you can continue to be who you are. No wonder relationship is difficult!

It helps if you each identify these expectations and share that with each other. Then laugh about it and talk about how you can get some of what you want. The "having children" question should have been thoroughly discussed before getting married. Don't expect your spouse to change his/her mind.

One way of working through this is to write down your expectations and then give them a value rating from 1-10. Then the differences can be resolved on the basis of what is most important to each person. No blaming and keep your sense of humor. You are in the process of getting to know the person you love.