My husband grew up in a family where greeting cards were not exchanged. Birthdays were not a big deal. In my family on our birthdays, we were the King or Queen for the day. We didn't have much money, but attention doesn't cost anything and there were always cards purchased or hand made.
This difference was a source of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Everett said that cards were a rip off. I said cards were a great way to express love. One birthday Ev said, "Get in the car. I want to show you something." He took me to the card counter at a nearby store. He went straight to a certain card, picked it up and handed it to me. "There. That is the card I would give you if I bought cards.
Everett has learned that cost is not as important as the message your soul mate gets from you. He even gives me cards on Easter now. One year on my birthday he gave me two cards--one sweet and sentimental, the other one funny and sexy. I still have them both!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Let the Little Things Go
My husband has a tendency to leave drawers, doors and jam jars open. At first that irritated me and I asked him to please try to remember to close them. He tries to remember but I think he was born with the opening reflex and the closing reflex is missing. It still irritates me, but I realize it is not a conscious thing with him. On a scale of 1-10 in importance it is right at the bottom so I have learned to let it go. It's not that hard to close drawers myself. We even sometimes joke about it. I have to admit that sometimes I close things loudly.
When something Everett does or doesn't do irritates me, I ask myself two questions, "How important is it?" and "If I say something, will he do it differently?" Usually the answers are "not important" and "no". So I let it go. I also remind myself that I probably do a lot of little things that irritate him and he likes me anyway.
When something Everett does or doesn't do irritates me, I ask myself two questions, "How important is it?" and "If I say something, will he do it differently?" Usually the answers are "not important" and "no". So I let it go. I also remind myself that I probably do a lot of little things that irritate him and he likes me anyway.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Where is Your Focus?
Everyone I know has an equal amount of strengths and weaknesses. How you live your life will depend on which you focus. If you focus on your weaknesses it gives them power and they can overwhelm and discourage you. If you focus on your strengths, you can lead a very productive life.
A couple who focuses on each other's strengths has twice as many strengths together. The weaknesses become less important. If they focus on each other's weaknesses they have twice as many weaknesses and it is hard enough to live with our own weaknesses. A couple with twice as many strengths is powerful and can live with confidence and joy.
A couple who focuses on each other's strengths has twice as many strengths together. The weaknesses become less important. If they focus on each other's weaknesses they have twice as many weaknesses and it is hard enough to live with our own weaknesses. A couple with twice as many strengths is powerful and can live with confidence and joy.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
What Did You Expect?
Most of us go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. What did you expect? Has it been better than you thought or have you felt let down?
You may have thought you could give your person the love they never got in childhood. That could lead to a big surprise. Then there are the practical questions. Who does what and who decides? Who decides what color to paint the house, what kind of car to buy, how we decorate, how we manage our money, do we have children and if so, how many? All of these questions and how both of you can continue to be who you are. No wonder relationship is difficult!
It helps if you each identify these expectations and share that with each other. Then laugh about it and talk about how you can get some of what you want. The "having children" question should have been thoroughly discussed before getting married. Don't expect your spouse to change his/her mind.
One way of working through this is to write down your expectations and then give them a value rating from 1-10. Then the differences can be resolved on the basis of what is most important to each person. No blaming and keep your sense of humor. You are in the process of getting to know the person you love.
You may have thought you could give your person the love they never got in childhood. That could lead to a big surprise. Then there are the practical questions. Who does what and who decides? Who decides what color to paint the house, what kind of car to buy, how we decorate, how we manage our money, do we have children and if so, how many? All of these questions and how both of you can continue to be who you are. No wonder relationship is difficult!
It helps if you each identify these expectations and share that with each other. Then laugh about it and talk about how you can get some of what you want. The "having children" question should have been thoroughly discussed before getting married. Don't expect your spouse to change his/her mind.
One way of working through this is to write down your expectations and then give them a value rating from 1-10. Then the differences can be resolved on the basis of what is most important to each person. No blaming and keep your sense of humor. You are in the process of getting to know the person you love.
Friday, December 28, 2007
No Such Thing as Falling in and out of Love
Every day you hear or read of someone "falling in or out of love." A mystical compelling thing that happens to people. They have no power over it. It just happens. If they "fall out of love" it becomes a rational reason to divorce.
Nonsense. Love is a verb, something you do or do not do. You can decide to love someone to whom you feel a strong attraction or you can decide not to love. The feeling we ascribe to love is the consequence of what we do.
In any long-term relationship there are times when you will not feel loved or loving. Those are the critical times in a long-term relationship. If at that time you decide to love, the feelings we associate with love, will come back stronger and at a deeper level.
Over a long period of time deciding to love when you don't feel loving will lead to the ultimate act of love, complete acceptance of the other person despite characteristics that may be irritating. A person can never receive or give a greater gift!
Nonsense. Love is a verb, something you do or do not do. You can decide to love someone to whom you feel a strong attraction or you can decide not to love. The feeling we ascribe to love is the consequence of what we do.
In any long-term relationship there are times when you will not feel loved or loving. Those are the critical times in a long-term relationship. If at that time you decide to love, the feelings we associate with love, will come back stronger and at a deeper level.
Over a long period of time deciding to love when you don't feel loving will lead to the ultimate act of love, complete acceptance of the other person despite characteristics that may be irritating. A person can never receive or give a greater gift!
Friday, December 21, 2007
Surviving the Little Things
A great day. I bought a new blue outfit and I felt like it looked good. I could hardly wait to have my husband see me in my new clothes. Getting noticed by your special person can become a challenge after more than 50 years together.
I finished dressing, took a last look in the mirror and felt excited as I walked down the stairs to where he stood waiting. He barely glanced at me and turned to go.
I stopped and said, "You didn't notice." He frowned. "What?" "Don't you like it?" He looked at me. "Oh. It's nice."
To say I felt let-down is an understatement. When we arrived at our destination three or four people told me how nice I looked. Sometimes you have to take affirmation wherever you can get it. You may even have to be willing to give it to yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff. He doesn't always have other things on his mind.
I finished dressing, took a last look in the mirror and felt excited as I walked down the stairs to where he stood waiting. He barely glanced at me and turned to go.
I stopped and said, "You didn't notice." He frowned. "What?" "Don't you like it?" He looked at me. "Oh. It's nice."
To say I felt let-down is an understatement. When we arrived at our destination three or four people told me how nice I looked. Sometimes you have to take affirmation wherever you can get it. You may even have to be willing to give it to yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff. He doesn't always have other things on his mind.
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