Why Marriage Matters

The July, 2009 issue of Time magazine published an essay by Caitlin Flanagan titled, "Why Marriage Matters." According to Ms. Flanagan, "marriage can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world--or it can be a matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children."

Ms. Flanagan reminds us in the past 40 years the American family has changed profoundly. She refers to Sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin in his book,"The Marriage Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today" who says the difference between contemporary American families and those of other nations is their combination of frequent marriage, frequent divorce and the high number of short-term cohabiting relationships which creates a coming and going of partners. This lack of commitment creates hardship and hurts children.

People today still hope to be married forever, to still be loved and cherished as we grow old. We want to achieve a soul mate relationship, but are we willing to do the work and make the sacrifice it takes? Those of us who have been together fifty plus years will tell you it is well worth the effort. Our family gets together because we delight in each other's company. We feel loved by each other and by our children and grandchildren. We are experiencing the payoff of years of sacrifice and hard work. Aging is without question the most difficult stage of life. Love of family gives us the strength to accept the losses. Family matters!

Do You Believe in Soul Mate Relationships?

On April 25, 2008 I wrote a post on "What is a Soul Mate?"
Here it is:

I was asked by a radio interviewer to define soul mates. That was easy. A soul mate is someone who knows you very well and likes you anyway. A soul mate sees your strengths and discounts your weaknesses. A soul mate accepts you just as you are without any changes. A soul mate believes in you.

Acceptance empowers, encourages, comforts. It is the greatest gift one person can give another. No wonder so many people search for a soul mate. Not many realize they have to learn how to be one.

Recently some relationship experts discussed the question, "Do you believe in soul mates?" Elisa Mecco kindly gave me permission to post her comment. "My husband and I are licensed soul mates according to Dan's criteria. We have also been to hell and back and supported each other through adversities of every sort. We are closer as time goes, we take responsibility, we have worked hard at our relationship and still work out everything that life throws at us together. We love each other more deeply every day. We enjoy each other's company more than the company of anyone else. We enjoy the company of the same friends and we have many real friends. We miss each other in a calm and serene way when we are not together. We are excited about each other after all these years. We believe in each other being well aware of the other's imperfections and limitations. We can and do tell each other everything. I believe this is possible because we are different in more superficial aspects (and we complement each other), but we are similar in the deeper aspects of what really is meaningful in life, what makes sense to do, what are our priorities and values. We have a strong spiritual connection. We both try to help others, find the deepest gratification in giving, in empowering others. This has often gotten us in financial difficulties because there is always someone who needs help and a cause to support. Somehow we always manage to get out of it and we don't let it get us down.We have learned to do without. We grow together and try to help others do the same."

Later Elisa added a postscript:
"This is the result of hard work, understanding, patience, trust, and unconditional love.It wasn't anything like what you see in romantic movies, no love at first sight, actually a solid friendship and mutual understanding on important matters was the foundation. My husband and I have been giving each other the space and support to be ourselves to manifest and actualize the essence of our beings.

Competition for Power in Relationships

Who Has the Power in Your Relationship?

An interesting part of the struggle in relationships is the denial of the competition all couples face in deciding the many things that mates must decide. Where to live? Whose job is most important?  Do we rent or buy? Who manages the money? Who does what to run the household? Do we have children and if so, how many? The list goes on and on.

Because of the denial that all of these decisions involve power, people unconsciously compensate by engaging in subtle behavior to maintain their own self-preservation. Some conservative Christians, for example, emphasize Paul's admonition in 1 Corinthians to women to be submissive to their husbands. They don't include the advice to men to love their wives as they love themselves and to couples to be submissive to each other. Women who try to follow this rule usually become skilled at manipulating to get what they need to hang on to themselves.

Some men make their mates their mother. Someone once said, "When you make your wife your mother, you have to get a girl friend." Many women complain that they resent feeling like a mother to their husbands. I have had a number of women in counseling tell me, "I feel like I have three children instead of two" or whatever the numbers are.

For a relationship to become a soul mate relationship, the couple must feel they are equals. They must be willing to learn how to resolve conflict and to focus on each other's strengths. They need to recognize their own denial that there is competition between them and be willing to identify the frustration of being unable to always get what they want. If they can communicate those feelings without blame and learn from each other, their love will grow.

Desire for Intimacy

Desire for Intimacy Depends on Different Levels of Differentiation

According to Dr. David Schnarch, expert on spirituality and sex, desire for intimacy depends on different levels of spirituality. He divides spirituality into two levels. Level one is childlike: a reflected sense of worth, other validated intimacy and desire out of emptiness. Level two is mature: internalized sense of worth, self-validated intimacy, and desire out of fullness.

It is a sophisticated way to say. "People who have more poker chips are willing to risk more." People who have childlike needs focus on themselves and what they need while people who have internalized their sense of worth are focusing on the joy of giving to another. They don't worry about losing what they have.

The joy in a mature relationship comes from being able to share with one's lover what comes from overflow in themselves. They do not fear closeness or of losing who they are. The closeness becomes the validation that increases their sense of self and the differentiation from any other person. Two people in relationship who have become mature evolve into the soul mate relationship most people look for.

Bob and Suzanne Cummings--44 Years

Bob and I met on my 21st birthday on Wednesday, May 21, 1969, in Albuquerque, NM. I've recently discovered this is my "Golden Birthday". I had never heard of that before. Your golden birthday occurs when your age matches the date of your birth. It has always been a special day for us but now it is even more special to me.

After my performance in the University of NM spring choir concert, a friend and I decided to go to the Pizza Hut for a late night snack. The only other people at the restaurant were a group of mostly young and fit men. After I sat down, I noticed a particularly handsome guy sitting directly opposite me at their table. We shared a few glances at each other and later shared how we were immediately attracted to one another. I shared with my friend how I felt, but I was in a quandary about how to get acquainted with him. Bob would tell you that I winked at him, but it absolutely is not true! My friend had a great idea. She went out to the car and brought in the small cake she had baked for me. Someone at the men's table asked how old I was. When I said, "21", he asked why I was drinking coke instead of beer. I didn't drink alcoholic beverages and besides, my friend was only 20.

The guys got up to leave and I was afraid I would never see the handsome stranger again. To my delight, he walked over to our table and asked if it was really my birthday. When I said, "yes", he offered me two free tickets to a baseball game. I thought he was asking me for a date, but I learned his name was Bob and he played on the Albuquerque Dodgers baseball team. He intended to leave two passes at the gate.

Later Bob called. I told him I would go to the game on Saturday night. By Saturday morning he had left two passes at the gate. He reminded me that the other pass was for my friend. I wondered if he was interested in my friend and not me, but he must have realized how it sounded and explained that his friend wanted to meet my friend.

The rest is history. We were engaged two months later and we married the day after Christmas that same year. Yesterday we celebrated 44 years of our first meeting and on December 26th we will celebrate 44 years of marriage. By the way, May 21st is a much easier day to celebrate than December 26th!

Traits of People Who Become Soul Mates

1. Soul mates choose to understand the significance of life and share in God's being.

     2.  Soul mates accept whatever happens as an opportunity to learn and grow.

     3.  Soul mates begin relationship with commitment and trust.
    
     4.  Soul mates risk in relationships. They have compassion without the need to rescue.

     5.  Soul mates can identify and share with their mates what they have programed as needs and let
          go of those that are not fitting.

     6.  Soul mates look for strengths in people--themselves, their mates, children, co-workers.  They  
          focus on what they can enjoy in others.

     7. Soul mates understand that they are responsible for their own happiness. No one can make
         another person happy.

     8. Soul mates take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. No blame.

Foreplay Begins in the Morning and Lasts All Day

Wanting to make love begins when mates get up in the morning with a loving greeting to each other. They notice when their partner looks nice and say so. They treat each other with respect. When they are together there is physical contact: kisses, hugs, a pat on the back, holding hands, touch. They do nice things for each other: serve a cup of coffee, put gas in the car, put the car away. They share the workload. They make time to talk. They prioritize time with each other They go on getaways. They have family time and share parenting tasks. They support each other to their children, family, and friends. They know they have each other's back.

If you have this kind of foreplay, the chance of wanting to make love increases dramatically. Sex becomes the icing on the cake.