Love, Dying and Organ Transplants

What does relationship have to do with love, dying, and organ transplants? This powerful Facebook post from our daughter who is in the end stages of PSC, a liver duct disease, illustrates the importance of loving relationships at times of crisis. I shortened it a little:

Hello everyone! Enough cannot be said about the power of love and prayer! As many of you know, I'm not afraid to die. It's just that there's so much to live for. It's a very strange sensation to wake up where you didn't expect to be and be told that, instead of day 4, this was actually day 11....and then to see the faces of such dear loved ones that I don't see in that setting or don't even usually see that time of the year.

Many of you asked questions about being a living donor and several even made the phone call to UCSF. We, all my family and I, thought that I would probably be kept there until after I get a new liver but things are often not what we expect. I'm now in a new phase, however, that includes trying to recover from what just happened and, although not really possible, trying to minimize the risk of it happening again. I'm also not allowed to be left at home alone, which is especially hard to wrap my mind around. I was alone when I started vomiting blood and I managed to call 911.

A lot of you know I have had four people go through the donor evaluation process. I don't know what the final chapter to all this will be, but I do know that I'm becoming bonded to many heroes! It's quite an overwhelming feeling!

Please know my faith is strong as I hope yours is. Yet, I also know that community is an essential part of wholeness and survival. I don't know what I'd do without each of you! I pray that I will be allowed the privilege of giving back some day soon.

I love you all so much!
Janee'

                        Janee' skydives on her 50th birthday!

Couples and Crisis

Crisis can put tremendous pressure on relationship. Sleep deprivation, fear, poor eating, lack of exercise all combine to make decision making difficult and patience short. For the past two weeks our family has experienced this kind of stress as we watch our daughter struggle to hang on until she can get a liver transplant.

What to do? If you have developed good relationships in the family, you will be able to talk about your feelings. You will find strength in connecting to other family members who are experiencing the same feelings you are. You can share how you are dealing with that. Men and boys tend to handle feelings differently than women and girls, but they do have the same feelings.

Couples need to remind each other that more than ever they must be aware of their tone of voice. Talk about how you plan to manage impatience and angry feelings. Hug and comfort each other and above all talk respectfully to your mate. What a blessing it is to be able to support one another even when you feel absolutely helpless.

Valentine's Day the Day of Love

Today is Valentine's Day, but today our family is gathered around our dear daughter, Janee', who has been struggling for years with a liver duct disease called Primary Sclerosing Colingitis. She badly needs a liver. In this case living donors can give a part of their liver which in my mind is the ultimate gift of love. So far, we have had 5 loving people volunteer. For one reason or another none of them has worked out. In the meantime Janee' s disease progresses and we worry about running out of time.

Janee' s room in ICU is gathering valentines. I know she feels the love of so many friends and of her family. She remains upbeat and hopeful, but it is hard to deal with the pain. She stays in touch with what her body needs. If strength of will is the most important answer to cure, she will certainly get through this. She has hundreds of people praying for her.

When you take time to prioritize your family, you will have what Janee' has--a warm blanket of love wrapping you up in shared hope of healing and support. Soul mate relationships do not belong exclusively to couples. Soul mates come to important relationships when love is given high priority.

Can Rivers Be a Part of Gender War

Because we have been discussing Gender War recently, a San Francisco Chronicle newspaper article titled, "Even Rivers Wander Through Gender Wars" caught my eye. According to Maine freelance writer, Susan Farlow, Germany's Rhine River is generally considered a male river. It branches off into the Moselle, a female river.

The Rhine, a powerful river with swift currents, got its name from the Celtic word "renos", meaning raging flow. The Moselle has been considered feminine at least since the fourth century. It flows slowly through the town of Koblenz and winds through hillsides covered with vineyards.

In the United States we don't have to determine our rivers' gender. Unlike German, French, or Spanish, the English language has no masculine or feminine articles so nouns are neutral. Interestingly, on today's noon news there was a story about the big uproar over the Lego company's new legos designed for little girls. It has girlie figures who are designed to be played with in a domestic lego setting. Apparently, the legos marketed to boys are designed to build things.

In my limited world of sand-play therapy, I found girls often chose figures to make sand trays of gardens, imaginary beautiful places, treasure, homes for cute tame animals. Boys, on the other hand, usually chose action figures or fierce animals and waged battles. If they put treasure in their sand pictures their sand figures fought over it. Their sand tray stories sounded very different than the girls'.
The girls' stories might show conflict but the resolution was peace and safety. Boys often ended with blow-ups and destruction.

My limited access to children's play may not be worth much, but it makes me wonder if gender war comes naturally and each side needs to understand the differences in a way to make them assets instead of liabilities.

What Has God to Do with Gender War

A recent Facebook discussion about women's place in marriage, leadership, and religion struck me as extremely relevant to our subject, Gender War. Jesus was born into a strong patriarchal culture and yet in his three years of ministry he did wonders in setting women free without distracting people from his message of redemption. That was huge.

Women who believe the Bible must be interpreted literally sometimes struggle with accepting their own God given leadership talents. Men who insist on control miss the joy and maturity of learning from women's wisdom and special gifts. For those people I highly recommend Patricia Gundry's book, "Women Be Free--The Clear Message of Scripture". Years ago when my first book, "How to Keep the Family That Prays Together from Falling Apart" was published, I could hardly wait for my pastor to read it. He never did. His wife read my books. President Carter's brother was quoted as saying, "I never read a book written by a woman." What a shame!

In my counseling practice I have seen terrible "Christian" and "Muslim" marriages in which dominance has become abusive. I am absolutely convinced that soul mate relationship can never be achieved in a relationship where partners need to control each other. I love the advice given by long time soul mates, Evelyn and Leonard Lauder. Their advice to having a great marriage is to learn each other's rhythms and how to read them (see past post). The Lauders agreed they were hardly ever on the same emotional wave length, but they were smart in taking turns between willfulness and acquiescence.

Most of us believe that God is neither male or female. He is Spirit beyond anything we can comprehend. We use the male "he" because we have no pronoun to describe God. Hopefully, we come to know God better through a soul mate who loves and accepts us for who we are and not because of what we do or do not do. GOD IS Love!

Valentine's Day Gift

Don't forget. Valentine's Day is just 15 days away. A perfect gift would be a book about love you can share together, maybe two pages at a time. The Search for Intimacy, the title of the first chapter of Becoming Soul Mates defines intimacy, tells you what keeps people apart, identifies barriers, challenges you to risk, and then describes the rich rewards as your relationship evolves into a soul mate relationship. Click on our website to find more information.

If not this book, here are more excellent relationship books. The Marriage Garden by H. Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall; All-in-One Marriage Prep compiled by Susanne M. Alexander; The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.; Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G. Jampolsky,M.D.; Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson; What About Me by Dr. Jane Greer; To Understand Each Other by Dr. Paul Tournier. Reading a book together, two pages at a time can help you create valuable talking and listening skills as well as learning more about each other.

Men, Women, and Money

I heard a financial adviser say, "Women should start setting aside money for retirement when they are in their teens and have their first job. She continued, "Not only do women live longer than men, they must realize they can no longer count on their marriages lasting 40 or 50 years like women in the past."

I found that interesting. Should women go into marriage believing it may only be temporary? Are men more astute and better money managers? Is it still possible for a woman to meet a man who is willing to work at being a lifetime partner? If a woman loses her mate through death or divorce, is she less able to take care of herself than a man is?

Interesting questions. Both men and women need to be frugal and wise with their money, but men are no longer the sole provider. Nothing is a bigger trigger of conflict in gender war than the management of money and roles.