Men, Women, and Money

I heard a financial adviser say, "Women should start setting aside money for retirement when they are in their teens and have their first job. She continued, "Not only do women live longer than men, they must realize they can no longer count on their marriages lasting 40 or 50 years like women in the past."

I found that interesting. Should women go into marriage believing it may only be temporary? Are men more astute and better money managers? Is it still possible for a woman to meet a man who is willing to work at being a lifetime partner? If a woman loses her mate through death or divorce, is she less able to take care of herself than a man is?

Interesting questions. Both men and women need to be frugal and wise with their money, but men are no longer the sole provider. Nothing is a bigger trigger of conflict in gender war than the management of money and roles.

"The Neutering of the American Male"

The book "The Neutering of the American Male" makes this suggestion. "In a journal or tablet write your thoughts, views and beliefs on masculinity and femininity as you understand them at this moment and from where/who did you get these beliefs." The purpose of such an exercise is to identify and clarify your own thoughts and beliefs.

My husband and I like to watch old movies. Movies from the 40's and 50's show how drastically beliefs and expectations about gender can change in a relatively short time. No matter how much couples love each other sex is forbidden until after they marry. Some movies focus on the conflict desperate lovers have trying to find a minister or judge who can marry them. The husband is the authority figure, much like a father to a loved child. The wife may even adopt childlike behavior to please him. In some movies the man will turn his naughty wife over his knee and spank her. Most viewers in those days seemed to see nothing wrong with that.

In working with couples for more than 30 years, I found that for a marriage to evolve into a soul mate relationship it must be adult to adult. No parent child relationship can be satisfying for lovers.

As a young man, author Jim Wysong, struggled to understand himself and what it means to be masculine. He shares what he has learned during the last thirty years. To have successful long-term relationships you must be open to learning and understanding yourself and your lover. This book is another resource that may help you do that.

Gender War -- 2

Currently, a debate in the state of California revolves around which sex is more needy. Today's Sacramento Bee editorial discussed Governor Brown's proposal to eliminate the California Commission on the Status of Women.  The Bee's position seems to be that while there is official concern about the status of women, the status of men in this state needs attention as well. "After all," the editorial says, "men in California are more likely to be victims of violent crime--and perpetrators of it--than women. They are more likely to be in prison or homeless or to commit suicide. Men are also less likely to graduate high school or go to college." And they die at younger ages.

In the same newspaper an article headlined "Assaults, obstacles still stymie Egyptian women" described horrendous assaults on Egyptian women. This gender war has been going on for thousands of years.

Until you open up to learning and understanding the opposite sex, you have little chance of becoming soul mates. A man can never know what it is like to be a woman unless he learns to know and understand the woman he loves. A woman can never know what it is like to be a man unless she learns to know and understand the man she loves. The challenge adds to the excitement of a long term relationship.

Gender War

From the beginning of time the differences between men and women have created conflict, misunderstanding, power struggle and even gender war. Over the next few weeks we will talk about how these perceived differences have created obstacles in the struggle to understand and accept differences as assets on our road to soul mate relationship.

For example, instead of learning one's style of communication and how to communicate effectively, some people justify failure by generalizing about gender.
-----------------All women are bitches
-----------------Who could ever understand a woman
-----------------Men never talk about feelings
-----------------Women expect you to know how they're feeling
-----------------You can never trust a man
-----------------Women cry about anything
-----------------Women don't understand what it is like to be a man
-----------------Men are insensitive and crude
-----------------Women take you for everything you've got
-----------------Men use women/Women use men
-----------------You can never please a woman
-----------------Women are never satisfied

Can you add to this list? I welcome any comments or observations you would like to share on this subject. Look forward to more about gender war!

You Can Not Love Without Giving

"You can give without loving," says Robert Louis Stevenson, "but you can not love without giving."  Giving includes touch, a smile, listening, compliments, noticing what someone does right. Saying, "I love you" nurtures the relationship. Gifts come in many forms. Attention to exits and entrances (good-byes and welcome home) can make those we love feel special and cared about.

As children mature they discover that they get more joy from giving than they do from receiving. In the same way as love matures people find that giving brings more pleasure and fun than receiving. Giving does not belong exclusively to Christmas. For love to thrive giving continues all year. It increases the adventure and joy of the relationship. How have you gifted the one you love today? Try increasing those gifts each day in 2012.

Ideas for Gifts That Don't Take Money

No money for Christmas happened often while I was growing up. As a child, I began making presents weeks before Christmas. I turned worn out bed sheets into squares. Hemmed and decorated they became attractive handkerchiefs. At least I thought so. Once my parents dressed two of my dolls alike, glued cheap look alike wigs on their heads, and gave me the "twins" for Christmas. We made games for each other from scraps of cardboard. My dad made spinners for the games he created. My husband says he and his brothers made toys for each other out of sticks and rubber bands. He had some great sling shots and toy airplanes his brother made for him.

One year our family all made cards with gifts of time or service. "Good for 5 days of telling you a bedtime story of your choice"; "Two weeks of doing your chores"; "An hour of my time to do what you want"; "Good for a movie of your choice". Use your imagination to think of what your recipients might like. If the gift is for your special person, you can give things like a date night every week for the month of January; thirty minutes of talking time every night before we go to bed; read and discuss 2 pages of "Becoming Soul Mates" with you every day for a week.

Creative gifts take thought and planning but they can be more fun and thoughtful than anything money can buy. To give your lover an hour a day of listening time or a night out together benefits you both in ways you cannot measure. There is no limit to what you can think of to gift your lover.

No Money for Christmas and Relationship

In a time when Christmas sales of electronic gadgets and toys are soaring, how do you show love and generosity to the ones you love when you cannot buy expensive gifts? My first thought is to go back to the simple "Little House on the Prairie" days. To see the children excited over gifts of barrettes and ribbons makes us realize how much commercialism has influenced our way of equating the money value of a gift to the the measure of love we have for each other.

The T.V. commercial, "Every kiss begins with Kay" implies that the cost of the gift tells how much the giver loves the recipient. Some of our best Christmases have been when we had little money. One year each person was to give the person whose name they drew something they owned that they valued. The gifts brought tears and hugs.

Our daughter gave her brother the seven books of Narnia she treasured and had collected one by one. He knew how much she valued those books.  From her rock collection one of our daughters gave me a beautiful green malachite which I knew was her favorite rock. Love filled our living room as we exchanged gifts.

Feel free to click comment and share some of your Christmas stories of love when money was not the measure. I will post them.