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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Don't Expect What You Cannot Get

Two very different people decide to spend their lives together. Now they must agree on many things. They no longer can call all of the shots or be in charge of every decision. The big question: How can I be who I am and still be connected to you?

Sometimes one partner tries to be in charge. He/she pushes the other one to see things the way he/she sees them, because his/her way is the "right" way. Maybe the other person cannot change his position without losing self. Learn to negotiate and to seek to understand.

Use words like: Tell me more about the way you see it. I hear you that right? What are the feelings? Any more thoughts that I need to consider? How can we make a decision in which we can both get some of what we want?

Most things are not all right or all wrong. They fall somewhere in between. You do not want to change each other. You want to make your differences bring you a fuller richer life.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Talking and Listening

We learn to speak and to listen as children growing up in all kinds of separate worlds.

Differences abound even if we speak the same language. Thousands of books have been written about communication and still one of the most difficult tasks of soul mates is to understand each other. The goal is understanding. Agreement is not essential.

One of the biggest differences couples have to overcome is what Deborah Tanner, linguistic expert, calls "genderlects." It simply means men and women learn different ways of speaking and hearing. Remember that when you feel frustrated trying to talk or listen to your soul mate.

Talking and listening skills lead to understanding. Read my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" to find out more.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!

Celebrations give life and excitement to your relationship.

Soul mates celebrate anything and everything--anniversaries of a first date, engagement, wedding; holidays of all kinds; birthdays; the beginning and ending of seasons; and especially each other.

Guys, do you sometimes wonder why your special person can get excited about flowers or cards? Part of the reason is that women love to tell other women the great things their man has done for them. Her friends say, "Wow! You are lucky. I wish I had a guy like that." It makes her feel affirmed as someone who is truly loved and lucky as well. When she feels loved and loving, you benefit, of course.

Relationship Is a Noun

Someone asked why I use the word "relationship" instead of the word "relationships".

The dictionary lists the word relationship as a noun and defines it as "connection or connected to somebody". The ultimate relationship is marriage. Noted family therapist, Carl Whitaker, said, "The greatest ordeal in life is marriage. It is the central focus for enlightenment and the natural therapeutic process in the culture."

Becoming soul mates is something you must consciously learn to do.

It requires letting go of defenses and being willing to learn and grow. Couples who blame and defend simply cannot become soul mates. Fron the time we learn to walk and talk we defend ourselves to survive. Letting go can make you scared and vulnerable. It does not come naturally. That is what makes relationship difficult.