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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Building Loving Relationships

What is it all about? What goes into building good relationships? Scott Peck in "The Road Less Traveled" defined love this way: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." I am not sure what that means, but here are some of the basics necessary for great relationships;

shared goals and values
continued courtship
ability to resolve conflict
openness and honesty
good self-image
fun and laughter
dignity and respect
feeling loved and loving
being responsible for our own feelings and behavior

Can you add more? What do you think of this list?

Monday, March 29, 2010

Lovers Expand Their Capacity for Feeling

We have a mind and a will. Our emotions do not make our decisions for us, but they are very important to our understanding of who we are. Our emotions tell us what perceptions we have and when those perceptions need to be corrected and changed.

We need to ask ourselves. What is going on for me right now? Why am I making myself feel so angry, hurt, disgusted, disappointed or whatever the feeling is? Usually you can figure it out. Then examine the perception. How realistic is it? How important is it? Has it happened before? What can you do about it? Get down to the soft feelings underlying the reactive feelings. Then you can talk to your partner from softness rather than blame. You can use your mind and your will to decide what to do.

You can learn more by reading chapter 8,"Resolve the Complexity of Talking About Feelings" in my book, "Becoming Soul Mates".

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

Apparently, love agrees with Tim McGraw. Tim, who describes himself as country music's tough guy, has become a family man. "I try to be home every night," Tim tells People Magazine. "I really like being there in the morning."

Tim describes his wife, Faith, as "tolerant and forgiving". He credits her with saving him from himself. They have 3 daughters Gracie 12, Maggie ll, and Audrey 7.
Love can create miracles and soul mates as well. Do you think love has turned Tim and Faith into soul mates?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ogden Nash on relationship

Here is Ogden Nash's advice:
"To keep marriage brimming with love in the loving cup
When you are wrong admit it,
when you are right, shut up."

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Will Elin and Tiger Restore Their Marriage

Tiger Woods blew up trust in a monstrous explosion that rocked the world. Picking up the pieces and reestablishing trust would border on the miraculous.

Rebuilding trust after infidelity must be the most difficult task any couple can face. I have worked with couples who work hard to make that happen. Incredible anger, grief, attack, and pain continue for weeks and even months. It takes a strong commitment and steel guts to succeed. Do Elin and Tiger have what it takes? Will Elin even want to go through that kind of hell?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher

Carrie Underwood glows with the excitement of new love. "Being with Mike is so easy," she has been quoted as saying at the Grammy Awards. NHL star Mike Fisher checked with Carrie's parents before asking her to marry him. They plan a summer wedding.

Being "in love" can feel intoxicating, but it cannot get them through the challenges all couples face. Hopefully, they will get premarital counseling and learn more about how to become soul mates. I wish them well.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Soul Mates Rate Top Priority

One day a friend said, "I envy you, Elva. It is obvious that Everett adores you. I feel loved, but I would like to be cherished." Women I counsel often express the same wish. One of their biggest disappointments in relationship is not feeling high priority and cherished by their lover.

When you first meet someone to whom you are attracted, the relationship can border on obsessive. You feel special and important. As the relationship deepens couples often lose that intense "in love" feeling. They may no longer prioritize the relationship. Perhaps children, work, or some other activity becomes top priority. Is that happening to you? Talk to each other and change your priorities if you hope to become soul mates.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Don't Choose A Lover Like You Would A Horse

Shortly after we married, when Everett felt loving one day he told me how much he loved me. He began listing all of the things I can do. Then, looking very pleased with himself, he said, "A man has to choose a wife just like he would choose a horse. You look in his mouth and see how good his teeth are."

Horrified, I wouldn't talk to him for the rest of the day. He couldn't understand why I reacted to his "compliment" that way. After 54 years of marriage we both laugh at his naivety. A woman wants to believe she is attractive to her lover. She doesn't feel special just because she is "nice" or "competent". She wants him to think she is beautiful, sexy, and desirable.