Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Couples impact each other at a neuropsychological level. They do an emotional dance with each other. I believe the underlying cause of disconnection comes from expectations that there has to be a right and wrong. If I am feeling unloved and unimportant to my mate, it must be his fault. Then I ask in an accusing tone, "Do you love me?"
When he feels blamed, he becomes defensive. "Of course, I do. What's the matter with you?" It goes downhill from there. People don't understand love, emotions, needs. They don't understand how they trigger primal fears in each other. Everyone needs to examine themselves. How do you protect yourself in relationships? Do you withdraw, freeze up, avoid? Do you pursue, yell, blame?
Be willing to tune in, open up, share fears and needs. Be aware of your own early experiences with attachment. Avoid blame and take responsibility for your part in this dance. Stay accessible. Forgive if necessary. Provide safety to each other. Touch. Comfort. Reassure. Be patient, kind, non-judgmental. This is the key to love and feeling loved.