Demon Dialogue 3--Freeze and Flee

Dr. Sue Johnson's third demon dialogue she calls "Freeze and Flee." It usually happens after the Protest Polka has been going on a very long time. With the couple I described in my last post freeze and flee happened when the wife became more involved in her church. Her husband would have nothing to do with her church. He buried himself in his work often staying longer than necessary. Both of them seemed to have given up any hope of connection. Their daughters were graduating high school.

It was at this point the couple came to me for counseling. The wife was very angry. The husband disliked her intensely and wanted to get away. He had lost his sense of humor and shut down. Counseling became focused on how to get through the hurt and rebuild confidence and hope.

Eight years have passed and neither of them has gotten involved in another serious relationship. Both seem happy to have ended a relationship that kept them feeling alone and deeply disappointed. Could they have learned to communicate differently?

Dr. Sue Johnson's Second Demon Dialogue

The second of Dr. Sue Johnson's demon dialogues is what she calls "demand-withdraw" or "criticize-defend". She also calls it "The Protest Polka". It is more subtle than the attack-attack pattern of "Find the Bad Guy". She describes it this way in her book,"Hold Me Tight". "One partner is demanding, actively protesting the disconnections; the other is withdrawing, quietly protesting the implied criticism."

The Protest Polka is clearly illustrated in the graphic, "The Male/Female 9 Step Emotional Confrontation Cycle" in my book, "Becoming Soul Mates". In this case my male client actually created the graphic trying to illustrate what happens between him and his wife. He confessed he often worked late because of his fear of coming home and facing confrontation by his wife for something of which he was unaware.

The wife, unaware of her fear of abandonment and disconnection, did what she knew how to do best. Get him in the bedroom at night and close the door. Then she would angrily confront him about what he had done or not done. The guy, unaware of his fear of her anger and criticism and disconnection, withdrew, spaced out, and responded as little as possible.

As you can see, this behavior does not lead to connection which both people desired. Instead, they both felt frustrated, unloved, and failure. They were unable to get past years of disconnection. They made it official and divorced.

Understanding Love--Key to Good Relationship

Couples impact each other at a neuropsychological level. They do an emotional dance with each other. I believe the underlying cause of disconnection comes from expectations that there has to be a right and wrong. If I am feeling unloved and unimportant to my mate, it must be his fault. Then I ask in an accusing tone, "Do you love me?"

When he feels blamed, he becomes defensive. "Of course, I do. What's the matter with you?" It goes downhill from there. People don't understand love, emotions, needs. They don't understand how they trigger primal fears in each other. Everyone needs to examine themselves. How do you protect yourself in relationships? Do you withdraw, freeze up, avoid? Do you pursue, yell, blame?

Be willing to tune in, open up, share fears and needs. Be aware of your own early experiences with attachment. Avoid blame and take responsibility for your part in this dance. Stay accessible. Forgive if necessary. Provide safety to each other. Touch. Comfort. Reassure. Be patient, kind, non-judgmental. This is the key to love and feeling loved.

Causes for Disconnection in Love

Dr. Sue Johnson in her book, "Hold Me Tight" describes three types of disconnection. The first is what she calls "Find the Bad Guy". She says this could just as easily be called, "It's not me, it's you." I believe most people grow up learning to blame and defend. This process fuels disconnection and makes understanding impossible. Until you can begin to recognize this pattern in relationship, connection becomes less frequent and love ceases to grow. Only by staying open to listening can understanding and acceptance be achieved and love grow.

Couples get so locked into their grievances and fears they often do not realize their automatic response to disagreements is to blame and defend. If you feel disconnected from your partner, try to increase your awareness of your response to disagreements. For most of us blame and defend worked well when we were children. Many of us often heard adults blame politicians, news reporters, ethnic groups, the weather and many other things for what they perceived to be the unpleasantness in their lives. We have learned well what Dr. Johnson calls "Demon Dialogue". If you want love to grow, you must learn a new way to respond.

Connection--Essential in Love

How accessible is your partner? Can you get his/her attention easily? Do you have dreams of being unable to get anyone to hear you? I once had a ten year old boy in counseling who drew a picture of himself in a house that was on fire. He was yelling for his mother. His picture of his mother showed her talking on the telephone. He told me, "She is always on the telephone and can't hear me."

To feel loved you need to know your partner is accessible. He/she will be there for you when you need him/her. You don't feel lonely or shut out in the relationship. You can share your deepest feelings with your partner. You can disagree without risk of being shut out and your partner will be open to find a way to compromise or accept disagreement. Your partner does not walk away or pick up a newspaper when you talk about feelings. Connection is essential to love.

How about you? Do you make yourself accessible to your partner? Do you honor his/her preference for what time to talk? Do you listen carefully to what he/she has to say or are you thinking about what you want to say while he/she is talking? Listen to your partner the way you want your partner to listen to you. Listening skills make connection possible.

Kona Coast Resort

Located on the magnificent Keauhou Bay south of Kona, Kona Coast Resort has attracted guests for many years. In 1993 a friend had reserved his timeshare there for his son's honeymoon. When his son cancelled his wedding, our friend offered the week to us. Enchanted by the island, we bought a one-bedroom timeshare on alternate years.

At first, we spent every day exploring the smorgasbord of differences found on the island. Our first year there, we flew in a biplane over the waterfalls along the east coast and into the still active Kilauea Volcano and west over the small village buried in lava. Cars in front of houses mired in lava looked like they only needed to be dug out. From white and also black sand beaches to lush valleys and tropical forests the Big Island has a little bit of everything plus a lot of lava.

As we grow older, our Kona Coast week has been our place to relax and let go of tension. We eat breakfast on our balcony overlooking the golf course. We share our cheerios with the birds who become less timid as the week progresses. We sit by the ocean and read our books at the nearby Sheraton Hotel waiting for Happy Hour when food and drinks are more affordable.

On our last day we took our books and went to the Sheraton at 3:30 to listen to the sea, feel its cool breeze, smell the fresh sea smell and watch the day come to a close. We had had another great week--a ranch hoedown, new friends, a beautiful dinner by the sea on the North Coast, taking in the excitement of the Iron Man race. We felt centered and ready to face the challenges waiting when we got home.

Hawaii--The Island of Love

Ah....Hawaii where love comes naturally. Hawaiians love easily and well. We have just returned from a week at our timeshare at Kona on the big island of Hawaii. Even the maintenance and housekeeping people at our timeshare wave, smile and say "Aloha" to visitors. Tourists are not always highly regarded in other parts of the world! I can't remember any other place where I feel so welcome everywhere we go.

One day we drove up the north coast of the Big Island stopping at the spectacular hotels along the way. At the Fairmont Orchid Hotel I was looking for a rest room as one of the employees walked by. I asked where it was. She laughed and said, "Look. You're standing right by it." She seemed happy to see me as if I were a long missed aunt or grandmother. She began to tell me a story about her own family. She told it so well she could have qualified for the Story Telling circuit at the Nevada County Old Schoolhouse. She seemed to enjoy the telling, laughing often. By the time she turned and went back to work I felt like I had known her for years and could give her a hug.

No wonder honeymooners and long-time lovers, like us, come here to celebrate love.