Blaming--Defending Prevent Conflict Resolution

Blame and defending will never lead to resolution of conflicts. People on the defensive take in very little information. We grow up learning to deny and defend. Common parental messages begin with the words, "you need to" ; "you didn't" ; "you should have". We grow up learning to deny and defend.

I have one brother and while we were growing up he constantly got in trouble. As a result he got blamed for things he didn't do. Denial became his first response whether guilty or not. I was the good girl and never lied.

I had a book, "The Little Red Hen" which I loved. One day I had a safety pin in my hand while reading the book. I scratched the letters of the title on the cover. A few days later my mother, who taught us to always take good care of our things, noticed the artistic enhancement on my book.

"Who scratched this book?" she asked in a tone that scared me. "Did you, Elva?" "No," I answered immediately, instantly terrified that I would go to Hell for lying. My mother turned toward my brother. He answered with an emphatic, "no!" She continued, "Don't lie, Edward." "I didn't do it," he repeated. To my horror he got spanked for lying. I was doomed to six months of terrible guilt and fear. When I could stand it no longer, I tearfully confessed.

You can understand why my brother grew up skilled at being defensive. One of the first skills learned in communication is "do not blame, do not defend". Thus, the rule, use  "I" instead of "you". When you own the problem it becomes much easier for your partner to listen and not defend. He/she may not completely trust you, but inch by inch you learn it is worth taking a chance.

It may be unrealistic to use this incident as an example, but let's go there. My Mom might have said, "I have a problem with books being damaged and I am wondering how this book got scratched." I think I could have had the courage to tell my mother I didn't mean to damage the book. I just wasn't thinking." She never would have spanked me, and I would have prevented weeks of sleepless nights and nightmares about going to Hell. The lesson here is you will be far more likely to solve a conflict if you start with "I have a problem with......."

< />

Lessons from a Dream

One night I had a dream. Everett and I fell off a cliff on to a remote snow covered peak with precarious footing. We were terrified we were going to die. Sure enough, the snow broke off again hurtling us through the air. We yelled goodby to each other. This is it!

We landed softly in snow, surprised to be alive. We carefully worked our way down the mountain. As we came around a bend we met three people climbing in the other direction. One wore a forest ranger uniform. They listened nonchalantly to our story. Clearly, they didn't believe us, but we figured if they could get up this far, we could get down the rest of the way.

Lesson from the dream: We can learn from other people even if they refuse to learn from us.

If you want to become soul mates, stay open to learning!

< />

1862 David Wally's Resort Carson Valley Nevada

Peace in the Valley

When I was a little girl, I heard a barber shop quartet sing an old hymn called, "Peace in the Valley." I remember the bass singer singing the last line of the song, "There will be peace in the valley some day." Coming to our timeshare at 1862 David Wally's Resort reminds me of that song. Sitting on the deck of the Aurora Building at Wally's Hot Springs, I marvel at the variety of birds at home here. All sizes and colors, they sing hidden in tree foliage. They hop merrily across the grass or soar in the sky. One year a robin made its nest near the second floor balcony. The verdant Carson Valley show-cases the life cycles of many varieties of nature. It is a nature lover's paradise.   

This week gave us a great gift of the kind of weather natives described as perfect weather. Lounging on pool side chairs after sitting in hot mineral pools with interesting people from faraway places brought sheer pleasure. I feel fortunate to get away from the pressures of the city and find peace in the valley with my lover.

< />

The Four-Eyed Frog Thrives in Gualala

The Four-Eyed Frog in Gualala rescued Joel Crockett, a workaholic who loves to play, from having to choose to do one or the other. As a teenager, Joel worked as manager of an amusement park in Venice, California. He went to work at 6 a.m., worked four hours, took four hours off for lunch to go surfing and then back to work for four more hours.

Joel never lost his love of the ocean. Eventually, he figured out a way to combine that love with his love of books, acting and community involvement by starting a book store in Gualala. Joel and his brother, Jeremy, beat all odds and have kept the Four-Eyed Frog going since 2003.

"I learned to read when I was four years old," says Joel. "I was painfully shy and I escaped into books. To own and run a book store blended my wife, Linda's dreams with mine. We leased property in Cypress Village while the center was still in the planning stage. We began brainstorming names for our new store. Many independent book stores have critter names. Linda and I had a running joke about frogs. We realized that a frog cannot read without glasses so we decided to give him glasses and call him "The Four-Eyed Frog."

The Four-Eyed Frog opened its doors in November 2003. It quickly became a hub of community activity. Joel, who had never acted before has had parts in a number of plays put on at the Gualala Arts Center. He has given sermons at his local church when his pastor has been on vacation. He has a weekly radio show. Not bad for someone who describes himself as painfully shy at age four.

Sadly, Linda died in an automobile accident early last year. Joel and Jeremy work hard to keep the Four-Eyed Frog alive and well. Stop by when you visit the California north coast. You can buy our books as well as many others at this unique book store.

< />

Gualala--Where the River Meets the Sea

 Sea Cliff Motel

Spring Colors Great Getaways

Spring makes California travelers question horror stories about drought. It paints mountains and valleys multiple shades of green. Trees, flush with new green folliage and maternity homes of birds and squirrels, accent the landscape. Everywhere life bursts into view sending a cascade of color into the scene.
Last week we took a middle of the week break to drive through soul feeding beauty to our favorite motel in Gualala, the Sea Cliff by the Sea. Sea Clff sits on the bluff's edge overlooking the Pacific Ocean where the Gualala River meets the sea. Two confortable chairs sit in front of floor to ceiling windows where we have sat for many hours watching pelicans, sea gulls, whales, river otters, fishing boats, sunrises, and full moons.A fireplace keeps the room warm and cozy in the winter. We always manage to spend some time in the two person whirlpool spa. A small refrigerater keeps food fresh.
Gualala has two grocery stores, half a dozen churches, two sevice stations and a wonderful book store named The Four-Eyed Frog. We sell our books there. Other businesses also serve tourists and residents.
On our way home Thursday we decided to drive north to Mendocino to visit the Gallery Book shop and Book Wrinkle's. We found them busy with customers looking at the abundance of books offered. We left copies of our books for the manager to examine when she returned.
The trip home winds through awesome forests of redwoods and emerges on Highway 101 at Cloverdale. We drove only a few miles before turning east on Highway 128 which goes through the heart of the Anderson Valley and Napa Valley wine country. Photogenic vineyards offered a great climax to our immersion into spring ecstasy. Two nights and three days of beauty and bliss. I highly recommend it.

< />

A 25th Anniversary Tribute

Jason Bassett to Heather Bassett

Twenty five years ago today I was honored to say "I do" to my most awesome wife. She has been my partner when the days were lean and when they were plentiful. She has been my treasured companion in three states and many apartments, usually pulling the heavier share of the load with two or three kids in tow. She has been my confidant when I need reassurance and my biggest cheerleader on the days when I didn't feel very cheery and on the days I felt triumphant. She has put up with the many ups and downs of advancement or promotional cycles, odd hours, working weekends, and changing schedules on short notice. She has put up with my meandering short attention span, the sore and not so great days of learning to ride horses or motorcycles and was always there when I returned from some expedition. She has been right beside me in the hardest times of my life and can bring a smile to my face when I need it most. And that as you all know is a tough thing to do. I have been the lucky one! I look forward to the next 25 years. I love you, Heather Bassett. Happy Anniversary.

Ten Reasons Nancy's Birthday Should Be a National Holiday

Birthday Tribute from Ted to His Wife

10.  She has the gift of hospitality. Our house is home to others including animals.
       She makes a lot of soup.

 9.   She rescued green, black, brown, and grey as New York fashion colors.
       Who else can make people blush red with grey skirt?

 8.   She's the only grey-skirted woman alive whose  personal spokesman is a pathetic wobbly
       deaf old dog. Every day Nancy translates Rose's elusive thoughts.

 7.   For 25 years she has demonstrated that the best teachers in the world truly love every
       single kindergartner on the 32-student roster. She comes home with a burden for
       every soul.

 6.   She gives equal status to guinea pigs, chickens, dogs, and squirrels. She objected to
       my shooting the two squirrels temporarily squatting rent-free in our attic.

 5.   Because of her concern for saving the earth, she fills a small bowl with water to wash 
       her face in the morning. You'd think I was draining Niagra Falls by rinsing my razor
       under the faucet. Now I only shave twice a week.

 4.   She's low maintenance. I have to beg her to buy clothes at Target instead of Eco-Thrift,
       a second-hand store. Those designer-brand fashions she finds only cost $3. I'm all for
       that.

 3.   She has many ideas for things to make, fix, or buy and only one husband. Gotta keep
       her working or she will overwhelm the male population of Folsom with honey-do lists.

 2.   She once owned a boat, found shore. She was nicer than Columbus, but 
       Columbus was probably a better sailor.
      
                and the number one reason she should have her own holiday..........

 1.   She has flirted with miracles on her wait to sainthood: Miracle Whip, Miracle Grow,
       Miracle hair products and she has miraculously put up with me for 35 years.