Columbia, Sonora, and Highway 108

An invitation to the wedding of my cousin's grandson arrived in late July. "Karen and Michael are getting married in Sonora, the heart of Gold Country," I told my husband. "That will be a great August get-away. We can see family and explore the gold country towns of Angels Camp, Columbia, and Sonora. We can top it off by crossing the Sierras on Highway 108 the next day." Highway 108 was the only California highway crossing the Sierras that we had not been on.

Columbia - Old Gold Town

What a wonderful weekend it turned out to be! The wedding at a country inn was fun. The couple even included their dog in the ceremony. After the minister pronounced the couple man and wife, they put their hands behind their backs and the minister handcuffed them together. They skipped out of the building. The dog didn't want to wake up. He lumbered reluctantly out behind them. We had a good time visiting with family at the reception.

The dog slept through the ceremony.

The next morning we headed east across the Sierras on Highway 108. The highway climbed 10,000 feet before descending to Highway 395. Snow still covered the ground at higher elevations. Lush green with lots of swiftly flowing streams and even some waterfalls kept us exclaiming our appreciation. We imagined how gorgeous it must be in the fall when the quaking aspen show off their brilliance.

It was a great weekend exploring Columbia, an old mining town, Angel's Camp where the frog jump has become world famous, and the interesting shops in the quaint towns along Highway 49. We can't wait to go back some day with our granddaughters.

Carolyn Hax Gives Advice

"One of the most important things we can do for the people we love," writes Carolyn Hax in her newspaper column, "is love them as a package, conflicting opinions and all. That means trusting the relationship to be bigger than their dissent."

When we can achieve this, we have gone a long way toward learning how to become soul mates. In my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" is this quote from Dinah Maria Mulock Craik (1826-1887).

"Oh, the comfort, the irrepressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."

Listen With Your Heart

To manage yourself use your head. To relate to your lover use your heart. Lovers can slip into a pattern of blaming that becomes an invisible infection eating away the closeness, love, and intimacy. Always listen to your lover with your heart.

Nothing will cause distancing as quickly as feeling blamed whenever unpleasant things happen or mistakes are made. Listen to your mate without jumping into a defensive response. Reflect to him/her what you think they wanted you to hear. Be willing to say,"That hurt" when you feel harshness or blame.

When you open your hearts to each other focusing on what he/she does right, your love will grow. Your defensiveness will weaken and you will feel gratitude that your mistakes and weaknesses are minimized. Soul mates accept each other just the way you are. No changes required!

Differences--Racial, Gender, Personality, and More

"A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences." This quote comes from Dave Meurer in "Daze of Our Wives."

In my book, "Becoming Soul Mates--How to Create the Lifelong Relationship You Always Dreamed Of" you will find a chapter on how to make differences work for you. A difference can lead to conflict, but it doesn't trigger conflict. Your attitude and feelings about the difference triggers the conflict. When you stop defending and start thinking, you can ask yourself, "What is going on for me? What can I learn from this about myself and about the other person?"

People behave in ways that make sense to them. Why does it make sense to your lover to talk, believe, or behave in this way? Agree to disagree and stay in each other's corner, not blaming, but accepting and working toward understanding.

Recognize Times to Keep Your Mouth Shut

  While in the Authors' Booth at the State Fair, a visitor asked me, "What is the most important thing you have learned about making relationship work?" Tough question. I think my answer was, "Prioritize the relationship."

The question lingered in my mind. Maybe the most important thing I continue to learn is when to keep my mouth shut. Some people would say, pick your battles, but I have found many battles can be avoided by keeping my mouth shut.

"You didn't turn off the lights, air conditioner, water; close the door, drawer, curtain; why do you have to drip across the floor; slow down; you eat too fast; you spend too much money." These are the kinds of things that waste your energy and irritate your mate. Give it up. If there is a serious problem, it won't be resolved this way.

Your mate may not notice when you stop complaining. He or she will feel the difference but may not know why he or she is feeling warmer and closer to you.

New Survey Reaffirms Old Values / Dating at California State Fair

Couples searching for soul mate relationships rejoice! A new survey reaffirms old values for getting what you want in relationship. Most adults are monogamous. Lots of teenagers are having sex, but lots are also practicing abstinence. These findings and more came from interviews with 13,495 men and women in the latest round of the National Survey of Family Growth.

Talking to couples at the California State Fair made me realize people are "figuring it out." Niesha Lofing, Sacramento Bee family editor, started her column last week: "It was one of our best--and hottest--dates. Last year, my husband and I had a date night at the California State Fair."

She went on to recommend the State Fair as "a great place for a date, and not just for teenagers," She shared stories of other couples who have discovered the joy of date nights at the Fair. Her last story was about Dominic, 65, and Laura,61, who have never missed a fair in nearly 43 years of marriage. "We're still in love," Laura told Niesha. "We've got gray hairs and grandkids, but we still have our date night at the State Fair."

If you are working on a soul mate relationship, date nights pay off. Enjoying the State Fair could be one of your favorite dates.

Soul Mates at the State Fair

I spent a couple of eight hour time slots in the California Authors' booth at the State Fair last week. Many happy couples walking hand in hand stopped by to chat. I knew by the way they looked at and talked to each other that they were soul mates even before they told me.

Seeing my book, "Becoming Soul Mates" inspired some couples to share. "We have been married 25 years, 46 years, 32 years", always with a look at each other confirming a valued connection. Some of the couples claimed to have been soul mates from the beginning, but they all agreed it took work, commitment, and willingness to learn to keep the relationship evolving. One lady said sadly, "It's too bad so many couples give up too soon. I wish they knew how good it gets if you hang in there and learn to understand and accept each other."

One man said, "This is the second time around for both of us, but I think we've figured it out this time." The look they gave each other made me believe he is right.